Friday, July 29, 2016

So. Good Grief.

So. Good Grief. — Blue Ink Alchemy

Courtesy Virgin EMI
In case you weren't aware, I am a huge fan of the band Bastille. Their first album, Bad Blood, continues to be a part of my regular CD rotation in my car. (Yes, my car still uses CDs when the radio's not on, I need to re-install my head unit.) Specifically, 'Pompeii', 'Icarus', 'Flaws', and 'Things We Lost In The Fire' are particularly emotional for me, to hear or to sing along with (Do you understand that we will never be the same again? / The future's in our hands, and we will never be the same again.) It's soil rich for planting our own experiences next to the thoughts and feelings conveyed in the music, and reaping the benefits of a more complete, more complex, more satisfying understanding of where we are in the world. So let's talk about the first single from their follow-up album, Wild World, simply entitled 'Good Grief'. It's an example of Dan Smith speaking as if he's rooting around inside of my brainpan. I'm going to break it down from my perspective and try to explore why it's hitting me so hard where I live.
  1. Much like their first single, 'Pompeii', Bastille perfectly juxtaposes an upbeat, even bouncy tune with quite serious and introspective lyrics. You can easily dance to 'Good Grief', but if you stop and listen to the words, you almost feel abashed for doing so. It sounds happy, but it isn't. This is going to be a classic and exemplary song of Bastille's.
  2. From the very start, and throughout, is the notion of "watching through [our] fingers". It's something terrifying in front of us, and we don't want to see it, but it's still something we have to face. We're scared. We're confused. We want to hide, but we can't run. So we do what we can. We cry into our hands and we keep our face hidden, but we watch. In horror, in curiosity, in a desire to hold onto as much as we can, we watch.
  3. Grief is grief is grief. It's something I've learned the hard way. It's difficult to tell if the singer is going through the process of mourning the death of a loved one, or trying to survive a particularly bad break-up. Memories and feelings linger on, even if the person in question has ceased to exist (or we want them to). So things like old photographs where the person is not missing, their favorite song... they trigger those feelings and memories, and we do irrational things, like dancing at a somber funeral, or drinking until we lose control of our words.
  4. The way the last syllable of each repeated line in the verses feels like the singer is trying to get their thoughts and feelings out, but can't quite see it through to the end. They lose their strength before they reach the end of the line. So much energy is being devoted to just staying alive, getting through another day, just fucking breathing, that it's difficult to even speak completely. Sometimes you can't even get out of bed in the morning. How can you be expected to complexly imagine your situation and find your way through it?
  5. "What's going to be left of the world if you're not in it?" This is such a powerful line. Our worlds change drastically when a loved one dies or a lover leaves us. We have to realign ourselves with our own hearts and our own goals, and we can easily lose sight of that because of the upheaval. We cope in different ways - casting our beloved as dastardly villains or shrieking monstrosities, denying anything bad actually happened, curling up in a dark corner wishing the world would go away - but in the end, we come back to questioning what is going to happen next in our world. And this is the question we need to face... even if we're watching it through our fingers.
  6. Every minute we miss those no longer with us. When we stumble or make a mistake, we want that person there to either laugh with us through the foible or support us in picking ourselves back up. It underscores the loss, makes it more powerful in our minds, strains our hearts, and we miss them more.
  7. The burning clothes is either a reference to cremation for the dead or the catharsis of burning items connected to the lost partner. This is not always done by angry ex-lovers; sometimes, it's part of a calming, cleansing ritual, part of an attempt to move on, at least in some measure. A Viking funeral for a love that was followed with audacity and fought for with bravery until the weight of the world crushed it. ... Did I mention I'm a hopeless romantic? Which is an odd turn of phrase considering when you're a "hopeless" romantic, you hold onto hope a lot more than some others. ... Where was I?
  8. The female voice feels like an outside perspective. It's interesting that Dan chose these lines from Weird Science. While it seems like it could be echoes of whomever was lost, it feels to me more like this is a current partner or friend or family member, trying to get the singer out and about, to re-embrace the life they've felt they've lost due to their grief. We all need friends like that.
  9. Grief isn't just limited to us. It spirals out from the source of the loss and touches so many people. More than we might expect. Faced with the scope of the tragedy, be it an accidental one or the result of a choice, falling into the embrace of something like alcohol can be easier than dealing with all of these conflicting, devastating thoughts and emotions. We can get drunk, be foolish, lose control of our senses or our words, but in the end, we are put back in our place. And much like the interlude returns to the driving chorus, we come back to feeling that loss, seeing the ghost of the one we've loved, and every minute of every hour, we miss them. We miss them. We miss them more.
  10. The video. Oh, the video. The video is so brilliant. There are memories, dreams, and more that begin to have their narratives blending into one another, so many routes to escapism. But we keep coming back to Dan, wandering and alone, trying so hard to reconnect with whatever he's lost in the real world. Watch the way the color palettes change. We want to be happy. We want to escape. But the real world keeps pulling us back... putting us in our place.
This is seriously one of the very best songs I've heard in a long time, and it's going to be in my heart and on my mind for a long time. I'm hoping that taking this time to ruminate on it, as well as the general upswing in energy I've been feeling, will help me carve out more portions of the days ahead to get more writing done, be it here or in ways that push me past tomorrow. It's good to be back.
[tube]ZWCB3hpJDXM[/tube]

Blue Ink Alchemy

So. Good Grief.

So. Good Grief. — Blue Ink Alchemy

Courtesy Virgin EMI
In case you weren't aware, I am a huge fan of the band Bastille. Their first album, Bad Blood, continues to be a part of my regular CD rotation in my car. (Yes, my car still uses CDs when the radio's not on, I need to re-install my head unit.) Specifically, 'Pompeii', 'Icarus', 'Flaws', and 'Things We Lost In The Fire' are particularly emotional for me, to hear or to sing along with (Do you understand that we will never be the same again? / The future's in our hands, and we will never be the same again.) It's soil rich for planting our own experiences next to the thoughts and feelings conveyed in the music, and reaping the benefits of a more complete, more complex, more satisfying understanding of where we are in the world. So let's talk about the first single from their follow-up album, Wild World, simply entitled 'Good Grief'. It's an example of Dan Smith speaking as if he's rooting around inside of my brainpan. I'm going to break it down from my perspective and try to explore why it's hitting me so hard where I live.
  1. Much like their first single, 'Pompeii', Bastille perfectly juxtaposes an upbeat, even bouncy tune with quite serious and introspective lyrics. You can easily dance to 'Good Grief', but if you stop and listen to the words, you almost feel abashed for doing so. It sounds happy, but it isn't. This is going to be a classic and exemplary song of Bastille's.
  2. From the very start, and throughout, is the notion of "watching through [our] fingers". It's something terrifying in front of us, and we don't want to see it, but it's still something we have to face. We're scared. We're confused. We want to hide, but we can't run. So we do what we can. We cry into our hands and we keep our face hidden, but we watch. In horror, in curiosity, in a desire to hold onto as much as we can, we watch.
  3. Grief is grief is grief. It's something I've learned the hard way. It's difficult to tell if the singer is going through the process of mourning the death of a loved one, or trying to survive a particularly bad break-up. Memories and feelings linger on, even if the person in question has ceased to exist (or we want them to). So things like old photographs where the person is not missing, their favorite song... they trigger those feelings and memories, and we do irrational things, like dancing at a somber funeral, or drinking until we lose control of our words.
  4. The way the last syllable of each repeated line in the verses feels like the singer is trying to get their thoughts and feelings out, but can't quite see it through to the end. They lose their strength before they reach the end of the line. So much energy is being devoted to just staying alive, getting through another day, just fucking breathing, that it's difficult to even speak completely. Sometimes you can't even get out of bed in the morning. How can you be expected to complexly imagine your situation and find your way through it?
  5. "What's going to be left of the world if you're not in it?" This is such a powerful line. Our worlds change drastically when a loved one dies or a lover leaves us. We have to realign ourselves with our own hearts and our own goals, and we can easily lose sight of that because of the upheaval. We cope in different ways - casting our beloved as dastardly villains or shrieking monstrosities, denying anything bad actually happened, curling up in a dark corner wishing the world would go away - but in the end, we come back to questioning what is going to happen next in our world. And this is the question we need to face... even if we're watching it through our fingers.
  6. Every minute we miss those no longer with us. When we stumble or make a mistake, we want that person there to either laugh with us through the foible or support us in picking ourselves back up. It underscores the loss, makes it more powerful in our minds, strains our hearts, and we miss them more.
  7. The burning clothes is either a reference to cremation for the dead or the catharsis of burning items connected to the lost partner. This is not always done by angry ex-lovers; sometimes, it's part of a calming, cleansing ritual, part of an attempt to move on, at least in some measure. A Viking funeral for a love that was followed with audacity and fought for with bravery until the weight of the world crushed it. ... Did I mention I'm a hopeless romantic? Which is an odd turn of phrase considering when you're a "hopeless" romantic, you hold onto hope a lot more than some others. ... Where was I?
  8. The female voice feels like an outside perspective. It's interesting that Dan chose these lines from Weird Science. While it seems like it could be echoes of whomever was lost, it feels to me more like this is a current partner or friend or family member, trying to get the singer out and about, to re-embrace the life they've felt they've lost due to their grief. We all need friends like that.
  9. Grief isn't just limited to us. It spirals out from the source of the loss and touches so many people. More than we might expect. Faced with the scope of the tragedy, be it an accidental one or the result of a choice, falling into the embrace of something like alcohol can be easier than dealing with all of these conflicting, devastating thoughts and emotions. We can get drunk, be foolish, lose control of our senses or our words, but in the end, we are put back in our place. And much like the interlude returns to the driving chorus, we come back to feeling that loss, seeing the ghost of the one we've loved, and every minute of every hour, we miss them. We miss them. We miss them more.
  10. The video. Oh, the video. The video is so brilliant. There are memories, dreams, and more that begin to have their narratives blending into one another, so many routes to escapism. But we keep coming back to Dan, wandering and alone, trying so hard to reconnect with whatever he's lost in the real world. Watch the way the color palettes change. We want to be happy. We want to escape. But the real world keeps pulling us back... putting us in our place.
This is seriously one of the very best songs I've heard in a long time, and it's going to be in my heart and on my mind for a long time. I'm hoping that taking this time to ruminate on it, as well as the general upswing in energy I've been feeling, will help me carve out more portions of the days ahead to get more writing done, be it here or in ways that push me past tomorrow. It's good to be back.
[tube]ZWCB3hpJDXM[/tube]

Blue Ink Alchemy

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The White Knight

The White Knight — Blue Ink Alchemy

Templar
He dons the armor polished to a mirror shine. He sharpens the sword he draws without prompt. He mounts his charger and takes off to battle. He does not think of relying upon others. He does not allow contemplations of defeat. He never hesitates, never questions, never retreats. His thoughts are on one thing, and one thing only: The Maiden. She did not anticipate his arrival. She barely hears his declarations of fealty. She is not necessarily interested in his courtship. Her citadel is strong in and of itself. She is a nation of her own making, Neither needing nor wanting a suitor who pines. Yet the knight persists. He draws his sword, shining in the sun. He holds it aloft, his voice raised. "My sword and heart are yours!" is his cry. He does not wait for her response. He knows his actions will win her. He turns the steed towards the mountains. He rides, undeterred, towards his intended foe: The Dragon. It shifts slightly in its sleep. It sits atop a hoard, a clutch of eggs. It protects its home as it slumbers. It is awakened by a shouted challenge. It opens an eye to see the figure at the mouth. It blinks in confusion at the accusations. The knights lays into the dragon with fury. He hears the cries of pain as roars. He sees blood from scales and presses on. He feels righteous in his searing anger. He plunges the blade home over and over. He ignores his arms turning to lead with fatigue. He does not stop when the dragon wheezes a final breath. He spits upon the corpse of the parent and protector. His chest swells with pride. His body returns to its steed. His spurs catch flesh and prompt the return. He goes, now, to claim his prize. The maiden to whom he is entitled. The heart of the bepedestaled woman he adores. He has no idea of what he has truly left behind. He's ignorant of the cost of his actions. He cannot and will not see how toxic he has become. He does not care. That dragon was his to slay. That maiden is his to bed and wed. These things are his to take for himself. He is entitled. He is righteous. He is The White Knight. And he is everything the world tells him a man should be.
Blue Ink Alchemy

Monday, June 27, 2016

The Challenge

The Challenge — Blue Ink Alchemy

Dueling Pistols
You. I challenge you. I may hear you across a room. Read your messages or tweets. See you in a mirror. Doesn't matter. I demand satisfaction. I challenge you to love. Let compassion prevail over myopia. I challenge you to change perspective. I know another's shoes don't fit; that they're painful and weird, especially to walk a mile in them. I challenge you to walk in them anyway. I challenge you to silence your fear. Allow light to dispel the shade you'd throw on another. Would you want another to diminish your shine? No? Then I challenge you to not diminish others'. I challenge you to rise above your bullshit. I challenge you to be mindful. To listen to the lessons of music. To say "I will survive". To break "the sound of silence". To remember that you'll never know "who lives, who dies, who tells your story". I challenge you to unchain your heart from the pain of the past. I challenge you to learn from failure and doubt. I challenge you to move in the direction of tomorrow. I challenge you to embrace the joy of simply being alive. I challenge you to take up arms, to rail against ignorance and indecision, to fucking fight for yourself. I challenge you to believe. Believe in yourself. And if you're gonna dig, I challenge you to dig for the heavens.
Blue Ink Alchemy

The Fire

The Fire — Blue Ink Alchemy

The plan was that I'd just go away. That I would cease to exist. They would blow out the fire inside of me. They've never seen fire like mine before. This isn't a campside fire. This isn't a flicked Bic. This is not a yule log ready for chestnuts. I don't burn like those fires. My fire comes from deep within. Stoked by years of grief and anger. Fed lies and tears and the ichor of lost love. I burn like the core of the earth. In that fire I am forged anew. Tempered, beaten, squelched, and ignited, Over and over, day after day, without reprieve. I am someone you've never seen. My kindness has been mistaken for weakness. I've been cuckolded, manipulated, pushed to despair. Voices within and voices without conspiring to end me. Underestimating me is your biggest mistake. I slay the voices within when they get too loud. I shove cowards and abusers out of my life. I fight until I bleed to keep faith with true friends. I have not given up on happiness or love. I will continue to burn like no other fire. I will remain this terrifying beacon in the night. Catch the scent of my flame on the wind. And follow it. If you dare.
Blue Ink Alchemy

Friday, June 24, 2016

My Fire

My Fire — Blue Ink Alchemy

The plan was that I'd just go away. That I would cease to exist. They would blow out the fire inside of me. They've never seen fire like mine before. This isn't a campside fire. This isn't a flicked Bic. This is not a yule log ready for chestnuts. I don't burn like those fires. My fire comes from deep within. Stoked by years of grief and anger. Fed lies and tears and the ichor of lost love. I burn like the core of the earth. In that fire I am forged anew. Tempered, beaten, squelched, and ignited, Over and over, day after day, without reprieve. I am someone you've never seen. My kindness has been mistaken for weakness. I've been cuckolded, manipulated, pushed to despair. Voices within and voices without conspiring to end me. Underestimating me is your biggest mistake. I slay the voices within when they get too loud. I shove cowards and abusers out of my life. I fight until I bleed to keep faith with true friends. I have not given up on happiness or love. I will continue to burn like no other fire. I will remain this terrifying beacon in the night. Catch the scent of my flame on the wind. And follow it. If you dare.
Blue Ink Alchemy

Friday, May 13, 2016

Ruins

Ruins — Blue Ink Alchemy

Image courtesy Wikipedia
When something comes up that causes involuntary reactions, that triggers us, we need to be able to step back from the incident and determine why it occurred. More often than not, something in our past imposes itself upon the present, and pushes us to act in defense of a perceived threat. I mentioned in a previous journal entry that I tried to start dating again too soon. I've been trying to determine what it is I actually want in order to feel like I'm moving in a positive direction towards the future. I've had some conversations that have lent themselves to considering second dates, future encounters, and even the possibility of a match, a coupling, a relationship. That's when I get fucking terrified. That's when I get triggered. The very thought of something approaching a partnership or relationship with someone has triggered many involuntary reactions. I tense up. I feel my jaw tighten. A particular email from months ago shows up in my head, almost word for word, whispered into my ear without my consent. My instincts tell me that I'm going to cause another disaster, that I am setting myself up to fail. I get scared. Outwardly, I either push away and shut down, or I start running off at the mouth about my reactions and their causes, which is selfish and unfair to whomever happens to be speaking with me at the time. Those conversations tend to end badly for everyone involved. That, in turn, leaves me feeling broken and alone all over again. Especially when most of your self-care and theraputic training has been in CBT (cognative behavioral therapy), you can spend a great deal of time, as I've put it, chasing the rabbits in your head - my head weasels, as I've called them. For me, a lot of them disappear down into the warrens where I keep my past, my secrets, my pain, my failures. The last few months have seen me ruminating on what went wrong before. I took the admonishments against me to heart, tried to read between the lines when information ceased or was no longer available, and looked deeply for things within myself to correct. Aware of the fact that I've been cast out by many, villified by others, and left to my own devices regarding my wounds, I've disappeared down those weasel holes under the ruins many times. I can still see and smell the smoke from all of the burned bridges of my recent past. The water hoses near my feet lay leaking and ineffective. It's so easy for me to fall into patterns of thought like that, and visualize what happened in such maudlin terms. I've spent so much time in my past all but destroying myself over my mistakes. I've made a ruin of many situations simply because I have been so aggressive in punishing myself. While I have worked hard to be more forgiving of myself and imagine myself complexly, at times I still fall into the unfortunate habit of seeing myself not as an individual of merit who simply has flaws, but rather as a violator of some code of conduct where punishments begin at public flogging in the square and escalate to summary execution. After all, that's what I did to Josh-that-was. I'm trying to push myself through this. I'm on the right medication for my bipolar, and I'm trying to work with therapists on my borderline. I've had some give me recommendations of books to read and basic exercises to follow. But this in and of itself is fraught with obstacles. Group DBT therapy is prohibitively expensive and, as far as I've discovered, not covered by most insurances. The path to establishing one-on-one work with the right therapist is labyrinthine and tangled in red tape to a degree that would make a shibari enthusiast blush. And as patient as I can be, I tend to have more impatience with myself and my emotional progress. This leads to frustration, which in turn can lead to irrational anger, itself part and parcel of borderline personality disorder. At least CBT allows me to recognize those things. The thing I am trying to keep in mind is that we are as defined by our failures as we are by success. In fact, we learn more when we lose than when we win. As Bastille says, we need our flaws "to be who we are, without them we'd be doomed". What isn't letting me fully embrace that concept and move forward into a future that I feel can be a happy one for me is the fact that my flaws are rooted in so many failures in my past. I want to make sure I do not repeat my mistakes, hurt anyone else I care about, or put myself in a worse position than the one I already occupy (which is difficult to imagine at times). To do that, I need to study the past. I feel I need to step away from good things I'm trying to cultivate and foster, and turn towards the ruins, covering my hands in cold ash rather than warm topsoil. I don't want to romanticize any of this. I'm not plunging into forgotten tombs in a weather-beaten fedora cracking a bullwhip. I'm not deciphering hidden messages that were left behind as some sort of treasure map. I'm not putting together something shared between myself and another individual in the hopes it'll be like it was before. I'm sifting through these ruins to understand why everything was destroyed, and why everyone is dead. My only real hope is that the dead have something to teach the living.
I'm once again being forced to move and that's brought along with it a whole lot of tension and fear and doubt and bad memories. It's really fucked with me. Add a computer crash to that and you have a recipe for a wonderful environment for nothing creative to happen. I hope to start writing and vlogging regularly again soon. Thank you all for your patience.
Blue Ink Alchemy