Beyond the Nentir Vale

Beyond the Nentir Vale — Blue Ink Alchemy

No D&D this week, but I took the opportunity to expand a bit on the geography and current events beyond the Nentir Vale (pictured above). The map I've sketched is on graph paper in pencil, and I don't have access to a scanner yet.

North of the Vale

The orcs that brought the Bloodspear War into the Nentir Vale continue to thrive between, under and on the Stonemarch, in their vast warrens called the Fanged Jaws of Kulkoszar. Cheif Urfeng Bloodspear eyes the Nentir Vale, and Fallcrest in particular, as irritants that must be stricken from the memory of his people. The Keep on the Shadowfell stands in his way. West of Kulkoszar and leading north out of the Winterbole Forest is the Glacial Pass, a wind-swept and narrow plain emptying into a wide taiga. Above this frozen stretch of land rise the Frostjaw Peaks, a cluster of jagged mountains dominated by the Titan's Vigil. It is said that a structure of some sort exists above the clouds that always conceal the top of the Vigil in darkness and the occasional flash of lightning. None who have dared to test the Vigil have returned.

South of the Vale

The King's Road leads south out of the Nentir Vale to two very different cities, each about the size of Fallcrest. To the west along the coast is the stoic walled port of Stormwatch. Its lighthouse is one of the largest in the world. Princess Tavia Stillwater maintains control of the city, though threats of the Iron Circle and a possible blockade coupled with increased tariffs seem poised to choke her and her city into submission. On the other side of the King's Road through the Vale is the city formerly known as Adamantine. When Emperor Lysander seized power, King Alphonse Markelhay of Adamantine was among those who refused to kneel to the new potentate. He was returning to Adamant Keep to prepare for war when he disappeared. It is rumored he was slain by highwaymen of the Iron Circle. Indeed, the mercenary force moved into the city backed by the Emperor's sorcerers and vicious beasts, putting down resistance and claiming it for their own. The Emperor declared the city be renamed Sarthel, in honor of his late father. Resistance remains in Erathgate, the coastal city south of Stormwatch. Baron Silas Shandra pays homage to the Emperor but does all he can to keep commerce flowing to Stormwatch and his own ports rather than the Imperial-controlled Junction or the free city of Daggerport. He is a prudent and cautious man, and does not wish to call undue attention to his sympathy towards the anti-Imperial forces.

The Second Nerathan Empire

South of Erathgate, the King's Road becomes known as the Imperial Highway. It leads to Junction, the largest city outside of Nerath itself and a crucial part of the Emperor's strategy of securing his rule. Duke Karl Calebros, the Emperor's finest warrior outside of the Executioner, has ensured that all commerce worth having comes into Junction, having raised tariffs on shipping to and from Stormwatch and exaggerating the dangers of Daggerport. Along the Highway to the east is Nerath itself. Easily twice the size of Fallcrest and seated where the Nentir River splits in three, it maintains control of most of the commerce flowing through the region. Until recently, it was a city administered by a duke and every five years played host to the Games of Ascension. If the current king could be defeated in an honorable tournament, he would be come Duke of Nerath while his opponent became King, at least until the next Games. King Perrin II had been king for twenty years before Prince Lysander Nerath arrived with his Iron Circle mercenaries, dark sorcerers, priests of Bane and tamed beasts to seize the city and declare himself Emperor. South of Nerath along the Imperial Highway, which follows the Scintil River, Shoredale rests near Lake Iris. It is a quiet and peaceful town, a bit smaller than Fallcrest, where the farmers of the southern plains gather to trade goods and barter for new equipment as caravans travel between Nerath and Fortune's Harbor to the south. Baron Gabor Zoltus capitulated to the Emperor without contest. Fortune's Harbor serves as the gateway to both the Eladrin leading north to the elven lands and the mysterious Caliphate of Seven Stars to the south. Earl Carlson Everdawn ascended to ruling the city after his mother, a favorite to become Queen, was poisoned by her chancellor, who now advises the Earl not to contend with the will of the Emperor.

Daggerport

The only openly free city in the Nerathan Empire lies along the Low Road, across the long stone bridge called The Hilt. The delta of the Nentir Vale, The Knives, frames the city to the west. The natural defences of the coast allow the shipping to and from Daggerport to avoid some of the Imperial patrols, just as they did the Royal Coast Guard before it. Daggerport is not ruled by a noble or even a particular group of individuals. However, anybody living or trading in Daggerport knows they had better not cross Szcathia, the drow reportedly in control of Daggerport's network of thieves and assassins. To engage in commerce in Daggerport is to engage in crime, and Szcathia is Daggerport's criminal mastermind.

Dwarves & Elves

East of the Nerathan Empire are two of the most extant threats to the new potentate. As soon as he seized control of Nerath, Emperor Lysander sent emissaries to the Dawnforge Dwarves. The messages spoke of a pact of non-agression between the dwarves and the Nerathan Empire. The dwarves agreed, but not before allowing some of the elite forces of Adamantine to flee into their holds. Before Lysander could protest, the mighty stone doors in the shadow of Adamant Hold rolled shut, leaving Hammerfast the only open road into dwarf territory in the region. South of Sarthel is the Moonwood, seperated by the greater Feywood by the city of Sehavia. While the city boasts some idyllic mountain retreats, natural hot spring baths and all the wonders of the Feywild available for sale or trade, it is also a place for the exchange of secrets. Eladrin and tieflings are common sights in the city, far moreso here than in any other city in the region. The Feystride takes travellers south from Sehavia to the other sylvan city in the region, Meloravia. A port city far from Fortune's Harbor, Meloravia rests at the apex of the Eladrin Bay. Intrepid explorers can seek adventurous crews to take them around the Black Marsh towards the Bay of Bahamut, rumored to be a gateway to a realm of metallic dragons and untold hoards of treature. However, the waters in the bays are treacherous, and more than a few crews have washed up in the turgid, stinking waters of the Black Marsh to make their sticky way home, while others are never seen again. The Feystride then leads east into the Feywood. Little is known of this place. It is said the elves (not eladrin) hail from this realm, and that it is a shard of the Feywild itself, just as ways to the Shadowfell lay concealed beneath the Stonemarch.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Beyond the Nentir Vale

Beyond the Nentir Vale — Blue Ink Alchemy

No D&D this week, but I took the opportunity to expand a bit on the geography and current events beyond the Nentir Vale (pictured above). The map I've sketched is on graph paper in pencil, and I don't have access to a scanner yet. The orcs that brought the Bloodspear War into the Nentir Vale continue to thrive between, under and on the Stonemarch, in their vast warrens called the Fanged Jaws of Kulkoszar. Cheif Urfeng Bloodspear eyes the Nentir Vale, and Fallcrest in particular, as irritants that must be stricken from the memory of his people. The Keep on the Shadowfell stands in his way. West of Kulkoszar and leading north out of the Winterbole Forest is the Glacial Pass, a wind-swept and narrow plain emptying into a wide taiga. Above this frozen stretch of land rise the Frostjaw Peaks, a cluster of jagged mountains dominated by the Titan's Vigil. It is said that a structure of some sort exists above the clouds that always conceal the top of the Vigil in darkness and the occasional flash of lightning. None who have dared to test the Vigil have returned. The King's Road leads south out of the Nentir Vale to two very different cities, each about the size of Fallcrest. To the west along the coast is the stoic walled port of Stormwatch. Its lighthouse is one of the largest in the world. Princess Tavia Stillwater maintains control of the city, though threats of the Iron Circle and a possible blockade coupled with increased tariffs seem poised to choke her and her city into submission. On the other side of the King's Road through the Vale is the city formerly known as Adamantine. When Emperor Lysander seized power, King Alphonse Markelhay of Adamantine was among those who refused to kneel to the new potentate. He was returning to Adamant Keep to prepare for war when he disappeared. It is rumored he was slain by highwaymen of the Iron Circle. Indeed, the mercenary force moved into the city backed by the Emperor's sorcerers and vicious beasts, putting down resistance and claiming it for their own. The Emperor declared the city be renamed Sarthel, in honor of his late father. Resistance remains in Erathgate, the coastal city south of Stormwatch. Baron Silas Shandra pays homage to the Emperor but does all he can to keep commerce flowing to Stormwatch and his own ports rather than the Imperial-controlled Junction or the free city of Daggerport. He is a prudent and cautious man, and does not wish to call undue attention to his sympathy towards the anti-Imperial forces. South of Erathgate, the King's Road becomes known as the Imperial Highway. It leads to Junction, the largest city outside of Nerath itself and a crucial part of the Emperor's strategy of securing his rule. Duke Karl Calebros, the Emperor's finest warrior outside of the Executioner, has ensured that all commerce worth having comes into Junction, having raised tariffs on shipping to and from Stormwatch and exaggerating the dangers of Daggerport. Along the Highway to the east is Nerath itself. Easily twice the size of Fallcrest and seated where the Nentir River splits in three, it maintains control of most of the commerce flowing through the region. Until recently, it was a city administered by a duke and every five years played host to the Games of Ascension. If the current king could be defeated in an honorable tournament, he would be come Duke of Nerath while his opponent became King, at least until the next Games. King Perrin II had been king for twenty years before Prince Lysander Nerath arrived with his Iron Circle mercenaries, dark sorcerers, priests of Bane and tamed beasts to seize the city and declare himself Emperor. South of Nerath along the Imperial Highway, which follows the Scintil River, Shoredale rests near Lake Iris. It is a quiet and peaceful town, a bit smaller than Fallcrest, where the farmers of the southern plains gather to trade goods and barter for new equipment as caravans travel between Nerath and Fortune's Harbor to the south. Baron Gabor Zoltus capitulated to the Emperor without contest. Fortune's Harbor serves as the gateway to both the Eladrin leading north to the elven lands and the mysterious Caliphate of Seven Stars to the south. Earl Carlson Everdawn ascended to ruling the city after his mother, a favorite to become Queen, was poisoned by her chancellor, who now advises the Earl not to contend with the will of the Emperor. The only openly free city in the Nerathan Empire lies along the Low Road, across the long stone bridge called The Hilt. The delta of the Nentir Vale, The Knives, frames the city to the west. The natural defences of the coast allow the shipping to and from Daggerport to avoid some of the Imperial patrols, just as they did the Royal Coast Guard before it. Daggerport is not ruled by a noble or even a particular group of individuals. However, anybody living or trading in Daggerport knows they had better not cross Szcathia, the drow reportedly in control of Daggerport's network of thieves and assassins. To engage in commerce in Daggerport is to engage in crime, and Szcathia is Daggerport's criminal mastermind. East of the Nerathan Empire are two of the most extant threats to the new potentate. As soon as he seized control of Nerath, Emperor Lysander sent emissaries to the Dawnforge Dwarves. The messages spoke of a pact of non-agression between the dwarves and the Nerathan Empire. The dwarves agreed, but not before allowing some of the elite forces of Adamantine to flee into their holds. Before Lysander could protest, the mighty stone doors in the shadow of Adamant Hold rolled shut, leaving Hammerfast the only open road into dwarf territory in the region. South of Sarthel is the Moonwood, seperated by the greater Feywood by the city of Sehavia. While the city boasts some idyllic mountain retreats, natural hot spring baths and all the wonders of the Feywild available for sale or trade, it is also a place for the exchange of secrets. Eladrin and tieflings are common sights in the city, far moreso here than in any other city in the region. The Feystride takes travellers south from Sehavia to the other sylvan city in the region, Meloravia. A port city far from Fortune's Harbor, Meloravia rests at the apex of the Eladrin Bay. Intrepid explorers can seek adventurous crews to take them around the Black Marsh towards the Bay of Bahamut, rumored to be a gateway to a realm of metallic dragons and untold hoards of treature. However, the waters in the bays are treacherous, and more than a few crews have washed up in the turgid, stinking waters of the Black Marsh to make their sticky way home, while others are never seen again. The Feystride then leads east into the Feywood. Little is known of this place. It is said the elves (not eladrin) hail from this realm, and that it is a shard of the Feywild itself, just as ways to the Shadowfell lay concealed beneath the Stonemarch.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Habits & Dreams

Habits & Dreams — Blue Ink Alchemy

Some personal stuff related to writing and my life in general follows. Maybe this stuff will be useful to somebody else, and I apologize in advance if you choose to click the spoiler link and find the following text empty, useless or pointless. [spoiler]There are some habits that are good to get rid of. Excessive drinking, smoking a pack of cigarettes that are more chemicals than tobacco a day, picking your nose or other body parts in public... You catch my drift. There are other habits that one should hold on to. Keeping up on household chores, paying bills on time (if one's economic situation allows), things of that nature. It can be a lot easier to fall out of these habits than it is to lose the habits that are bad for us, mostly because the more effort something requires, the less inclined we are to do them, especially if there's a dayjob and other responsibilities involved. Firing up a game or watching a movie requires a lot less effort than washing the dishes or changing the car's oil, after all. But the more we put those things aside, the longer we stay out of the good habits, the worse things get. Detritus piles up, be it dirty silverware or engine deposits or recyclable waste. Then more effort than what should have been necessary is required to deal with that detritus, leaving us even more drained and less inclined to do the task on the following day. It's a cycle that perpetuates itself, and it takes conscious effort to put a stop to it. The habit of pursuing art is no differnet. Gone are the days when the artist could seek a patron as a source of income that kept them fed and clothed while they pursued their vision. Nowadays, to appease the exorbidant rates of utility companies and maintain even the most meager of households, one has to submit themselves to the will of a corporate or small business master. And while the cost of living goes up with shocking regularity, the salary of the day worker often remains the same. Make a single mistake, indulge in a single distraction, and you can expect nothing but disappointment if not scorn from those above you. Thus it falls to the artist to engage in the habit of pursuing art in one's spare time. The reduction of a life-long passion to the status of a hobby can be a crippling one. Your dreams limp along, gasping for air and vying for one's attention admist distractions that require much less effort, input and time. After a long day of disappointment and doubt, a film or game or night out holds a great deal more appeal than even more disappointment and doubt, even if it's in the form of something you love. As my big sister was in the habit of saying, "Suck it up and deal with it." Without our passions, we're nothing. We're empty husks trudging from day to day banging away at insignificant tasks and spewing preprogrammed corp-speak jargon. Living that way isn't really living. It's existing. Amoebas exist. We should live. I know it may seem like a lot of whining or grousing on my part but it's been made crystal clear to me that I have once again gotten out of the good habit of seizing appropriate opportunities to write. It's a habit I need to return to and this is my way of expressing that. Maybe somebody reading this will come to a similar realization and re-engage in a discarded good habit that leads them to freedom from a vicious cycle of depression and a dimishing self-image. We, as individuals and especially as artists, are so much more than cogs in a machine, regardless of what anybody with a higher pay grade might say. It's necessary for most of us to become a part of that machine just to afford a warm place to live and clean food to eat. But the machine need not be our lives. It doesn't have to be our reason for being. There's a reason people put faith in things that cannot be proven by science, other than ignorance or stupidity - there's hope in the notion that there's something more than what we see every day, because most of what we see every day can be pretty damn depressing. I know I may never really succeed at writing. I know I may be doomed to working thankless, underpaid jobs for which I have little passion until my body begins to fail, my mind starts to unravel and all of the fire in my heart goes out. That's not going to stop me from trying, dammit. I just have to try when I'm not getting paid to do something else.[/spoiler]

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Blue Ink Alchemy

DLC Review: Lair of the Shadow Broker

DLC Review: Lair of the Shadow Broker — Blue Ink Alchemy

The character of Liara T'soni in the original Mass Effect wasn't an overall fan favorite. Aside from being a source of controversy and leading some phenomenally ignorant people to call the game "a sex simulator", Liara's tendency to be both loquacious and seemingly naive could get on people's nerves, while others (like myself) found her desire to help and fascination with the Protheans to be endearing. And then, she turned up in the sequel, holding down a desk on Illium where she worked as an information trader and someone you really, really didn't want to mess with. Just ask her secretary. The graphic novel Redemption expands on the role she played in the events following the opening of the second game, and the big question on the minds of most players was just how badass Liara had become, to say nothing of the resolution of the possible romance a player may have pursued or even abandoned over the course of Mass Effect 2. Those answers are questioned in Lair of the Shadow Broker. The DLC begins when you deliver some information to Liara, courtesy of the Illusive Man. Following up on it, Liara is attacked at home. You and your squad show up in the aftermath, meeting the lead investigator and beginning to piece together what happened. By the time you find Liara again, it becomes clear that the Shadow Broker has classified the asari scientist as a threat and is moving to eliminate her. With the information she's gained, however, Liara can beat him to the punch, a task for which she needs your help.
Just like old times. This DLC is much, much larger than anything produced for the game to date, expanding on the location of Illium and adding new upgrades and achievements. You also get Liara as a temporary member of your team, and she's a fantastic addition. While we did have an adept on the team in the form of Subject Zero, Liara brings the fantastic crowd-control combination of Singularity and Stasis to the field. She's the only character besides Shepard (as an Adept) to have access to the miniature black hole, and you can add Stasis to your arsenal permanently if you make the right choices. BioWare's always shown decent character writing chops in their work, and this DLC is no exception. In fact, it's pretty exemplary of everything that makes the Mass Effect games so playable. Not only do we get interesting events and character development from both the first game and the graphic novel, we get a great change of pace, similar to that in Kasumi's Stolen Memory, in the form of a car chase. The environment of Illium's soaring towers is reminiscent of Blade Runner, and the chase takes place between and even through those towers. Environmental concerns, other vehicles and little surprises crop up to get in your way. And the entire time, Shepard and Liara are in the car bickering like an old married couple. It's fast-paced action that has you rolling with laughter while you're dodging other sky-cars. It's one of the highlights of the DLC. Between the unique setting of the eponymous Lair, the great dialog and the expansion of Liara's character, this DLC has plenty to offer and is well worth the price. Even after the mission ends, you get plenty of use out of its content, from interesting video surveillance of some characters to dossiers of your team and some of the people who've crossed your path, for good or ill. Finally, it begins setting up the story for Mass Effect 3 even moreso than any of the sequel's in-game content. I thoroughly enjoyed playing through it, and I actually look forward to doing so again. If that's not praise, I don't know what is.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

The Gathering Grows

The Gathering Grows — Blue Ink Alchemy

Art by Kaja Foglio Remember how I mentioned that I'm playing Magic: the Gathering again? I'm not the only one. My niece has taken up the hobby, both of her parents play and my friends in Chesterbrook are trying to nail down a date in December for a Magic night. I've blown the dust off of my decks and started a couple others. Here's the state of things in this planeswalker's arsenal. Reanimator: After some trial and error, I've narrowed this deck down to two primary colors, green and black. There are a couple cards that let me add the white necessary if I need to hardcast Teneb, the Harvester. However, a few of the defenders, such as Twisted Abomination or Penumbra Spider get some help in the form of Lure and Gaze of the Gorgon. The core of the deck remains the same: by destruction in combat or discarding, my creatures sent to the graveyard don't stay there long thanks to Dread Return. Sliver Legion: People hate this deck. It's pretty much remained unchanged since I put it together. Chronomancy: Slightly less hated than the Sliver Legion, Jhoria and I still make a good team. I pared down the "big guns" to a single Akroma, Angel of Fury and a pair of Lightning Angels to ensure I had enough counters and 'answers' to enemy threats. It may still need a tweak or two, but it's performed well. Grinder (working title): At the core of this deck are four Millstones. Around this are built a variety of counters, including Induce Paranoia and anti-creature answers such as Assassinate and Doom Blade. It's creatureless, nasty and a HUGE target. Creature Feature: Still in the concept stages. The more I consider the best way to make use of Magus of the Future, Momir Vig, Simic Visionary and Vorosh, the Hunter, the more I consider Vedalken Aethermages and Plaxcaster Frogling essential parts of it. The Aethermages are pretty self-explanatory, letting me tutor my deck for two of the three essential trio. The Frogling can protect the other creatures in play, provided I have enough mana, but I'd also need more +1/+1 counters to spread around. I think most of them will come from the same block as Momir, such as the Simic Initiate and the Sporeback Troll. More on this deck as it develops. This is of course without diving into the latest edition of Magic, including its preconstructed decks and Planeswalkers. We'll have to see what the holiday holds...

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Blue Ink Alchemy

The Gathering Grows

The Gathering Grows — Blue Ink Alchemy

Art by Kaja Foglio Remember how I mentioned that I'm playing Magic: the Gathering again? I'm not the only one. My niece has taken up the hobby, both of her parents play and my friends in Chesterbrook are trying to nail down a date in December for a Magic night. I've blown the dust off of my decks and started a couple others. Here's the state of things in this planeswalker's arsenal. Reanimator: After some trial and error, I've narrowed this deck down to two primary colors, green and black. There are a couple cards that let me add the white necessary if I need to hardcast Teneb, the Harvester. However, a few of the defenders, such as Twisted Abomination or Penumbra Spider get some help in the form of Lure and Gaze of the Gorgon. The core of the deck remains the same: by destruction in combat or discarding, my creatures sent to the graveyard don't stay there long thanks to Dread Return. Sliver Legion: People hate this deck. It's pretty much remained unchanged since I put it together. Chronomancy: Slightly less hated than the Sliver Legion, Jhoria and I still make a good team. I pared down the "big guns" to a single Akroma, Angel of Fury and a pair of Lightning Angels to ensure I had enough counters and 'answers' to enemy threats. It may still need a tweak or two, but it's performed well. Grinder (working title): At the core of this deck are four Millstones. Around this are built a variety of counters, including Induce Paranoia and anti-creature answers such as Assassinate and Doom Blade. It's creatureless, nasty and a HUGE target. Creature Feature: Still in the concept stages. The more I consider the best way to make use of Magus of the Future, Momir Vig, Simic Visionary and Vorosh, the Hunter, the more I consider Vedalken Aethermages and Plaxcaster Frogling essential parts of it. The Aethermages are pretty self-explanatory, letting me tutor my deck for two of the three essential trio. The Frogling can protect the other creatures in play, provided I have enough mana, but I'd also need more +1/+1 counters to spread around. I think most of them will come from the same block as Momir, such as the Simic Initiate and the Sporeback Troll. More on this deck as it develops. This is of course without diving into the latest edition of Magic, including its preconstructed decks and Planeswalkers. We'll have to see what the holiday holds...

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Blue Ink Alchemy

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Trapped in Paradise

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Trapped in Paradise — Blue Ink Alchemy

This week's IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! brought to you by a generous donation by Mike Jarossy. Thank you for your support!

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/trapped.mp3] The holiday season is upon us once again. Just today I saw my first snowfall. I caught sight of it while watching Trapped in Paradise, a caper comedy from the 90s. Why was I looking out the window instead of at the movie, you ask? Because, for once, we have a little truth in advertising. The key word in the title of this completely unfunny and utterly lifeless flick is not "paradise", but rather "trapped." Bill Firpo is a reformed thief trying to run a restaurant in New York City. His brothers, Dave and Alvin, are let out of prison into Bill's custody. Almost immediately, Dave yanks Bill into a plot to knock over a bank in a sleepy Pennsylvania town on Christmas Eve. The town is so sleepy and the bank's security so lax, it practically robs itself. However, two other cons had been sizing up the bank, the local yokels running the general store are deputy sheriffs and there's a major blizzard about to slap the town silly. And because that clearly wasn't enough for the writers, save for the bank teller who gets a pass because she's the love interest and Bill himself, everybody, and I mean everybody, is either incredibly nice or incredibly stupid. And... that's funny? I guess? I'll say this for Trapped in Paradise - it's shot crisply and cleanly. Considering this is a holiday movie and we want things looking nice and idyllic to get people in the mood for overindulgences in shopping, eating and passive-aggressive family awkwardness, you don't want to catapult your audience out of the experience with shoddy camera work. And the locales do look nice. It definitely looks a lot like some of the small towns nestled into the forest-covered mountains of Pennsylvania, and I did find myself wishing I was in one of those towns. Playing a game of Arkham Horror, perhaps, or finding a local pub warmed by a wood-fueled fireplace and serving a nice stout. Hell, I'd have settled for watching rednecks waddle through Wal*Mart after a turkey binge over this crap.
And, seriously. What's up with these hats? The big draw of this movie is that two of its three leading men were pretty big comedians back when it was shot. Jon Lovitz is that kind of cynical comic who takes after Rodney Dangerfield, more often than not playing up his obvious lack of Hollywood handsomeness for laughs of varying degrees. His best work, in my opinion, was on Saturday Night Live as Master Thespian or on the short-lived animated series The Critic. In both instances his wit was acerbic, his timing was excellent and his physical presence adding to the comedy rather than being its focal point. Trapped in Paradise instead saddles him with either ADHD or some form of Asperger's Syndrome, as he never seems to be able to remain focused when he's outside of some scheme or other. Any comedian could have played this role. It wouldn't have been any better, I'm just saying it's utterly generic holiday caper stuff. And then, there's Dana Carvey. Here we have a comedic chameleon. I mean, this guy played Hans (of Hans & Franz), the Church Lady and Garth Algar, sometimes all within the same hour. He's done all sorts of impressions, from George H.W. Bush to Johnny Carson, from Woody Allen to Frank Zappa. In this, he's doing an impression... of a retard. Who's also a kleptomaniac. Couldn't they have written the script so he could be himself for once? Did they have to force him into a nasal, annoying, high-pitched voice for every line and make him stupid? Usually in a comedy of this type you have one part of the team who's the straight man and the other one bumbling around. Trapped in Paradise tries to give us two bumblers and ends up dropping the whole enterprise when it tosses the plot to them and they start arguing about who gets to carry it. Yeah. Hilarious.
The only - and I do mean only - saving grace in this disaster of writing and acting is Nicholas Cage. And even he gets mishandled every other scene. At first, he seemed to be yanked back and forth by his own compulsions. He wants to do the right thing but he's something of a career thief. The moment the other two ignorant jerks get involved, however, they almost immediately bring out the worst in him. And I don't mean in terms of crime, I mean in terms of schizophrenic flip-flopping between that straight and tortured portrayal and just plain torture. If anybody's trapped in this movie, it's poor Nick Cage. The director can't even seem to give him a consistent accent or manner of speech. He's so completely wasted in this trash it makes me want to cry. In a comedy, if your leading team isn't funny, the rest of the damn picture doesn't stand a chance. The jokes fall flat almost immediately, the story nearly grinds to a halt several times, none of the lines feel genuine and Paradise is apparently built over an ancient mystical portal to another realm that constantly churns out patrol cars. I've seen some pretty horrible things lately: the latest round of elections in this country, the bills from my utility companies, the box off returns from Scott Pilgrim. But I would take getting told by tea baggers how much I hate freedom by supporting federal health care, get paddled by bill collectors and have anonymous douchebags on the Internet tell me how awesome The Expendables is over watching Trapped in Paradise again. Hopefully, by the time you read or hear this, I will be passed out and in the throes of a turkey coma so deep, I'll have forgotten this stinking, steaming and utter turd of a movie ever existed. Josh Loomis can't always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it's unclear if this week's film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain... IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Quit Yer Bitchin'

Quit Yer Bitchin' — Blue Ink Alchemy

Today's a day where people gather around a table with their families and express thanks at good things that have happened, or continue to happen, over the past year. It's one of those highfalutin' "tradition" things. But lately there have been a lot less thankful people out there. They don't seem thankful for much of anything, save either the freedom of speech or the anonymity of the Internet. They're upset at the government. They're upset with movies that are being made. They're upset with design decisions driving new games and expansions to existing ones. And they're very, very upset that people disagree with their opinions. I will admit I've fallen into this trap myself from time to time. If you've tuned into the Classholes Anonymous podcasts at all, more than once you've heard me sipping on some Hateraide. I really enjoy smart entertainment and get a little irked when clever stuff gets bumped for something that panders to less discriminatory tastes. And I'm bitter about the decisions I made in my life that kept me from being where I am before now. But that last part's on me. The entertainment thing is something I don't really have a say in, other than the occasional Facebook group and giving my money to distractions more worthy of my time and investment. As for the hate, I try to keep it in check. It's not good for myself or those around me to lash out at the slightest things that irritate me. However, there are a lot of people who don't keep their rage in check. Any little slight or change to the status-quo and there will be gallons of hatred flowing through the Intertubes. Fox News' pundits and their associated bloggers and other cronies seem to thrive on discontent, digging deep for even the slightest flub to blow out of proportion into a political scandal the likes of which hasn't been seen in our lifetime. Hyperbole mixed with ignorance breeds blind hatred, and that never ends well. Just ask the victims of the Inquisition, the Holocaust or anyone who's ever found a burning cross on their lawn. I'm not saying hatred is an invalid emotion that should be suppressed, but spewing vitriol indiscriminately isn't going to help anybody. Channel that emotion in some constructive way. If you disagree with someone or something, find a way to express that disagreement in such a way that the flaw you perceive is presented more as a polite critique than a call for revolution. I think you'll find your argument will be taken a bit more seriously, and you may just cause the source of the problem to see the situation in a different light. Otherwise... seriously, folks. Quit yer bitchin'.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory — Blue Ink Alchemy

So, what can you do with $5 these days? Get a Happy Meal, or a footlong sub. Take a ride on a mass transit people-mover. Put just over a gallon of gasoline in your car. Or, get yourself lots, and I mean lots, of entertainment. On the surface, Poker Night at the Inventory sounds like something thought up as a cute little "what if" scenario. Simply, this is bunch of Internet favorites gathered together to play some no-limit Texas Hold 'Em in a private, semi-secret club established as a holdout first against Prohibition, then the idea of games becoming shunned or banned. While some of us might simply sit around drinking and talking about how such a scenario might play out, Telltale Games took a break from their succession of point-and-click adventure entries that breathed new life into some neglected LucasArts franchises and made the scenario happen. It's now available on Steam, and the results are simple, addictive and hilarious.
They saved you a seat. The characters are, as I said, favorites of the Internet. First is Max, of the Sam & Max Freelance Police. Of the two, Max has always been the unhinged one. His tendency is to solve his problems with violence. The rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail has nothing on the lagomorph, since the furry little slayer of knights never ran off at the mouth about how much he enjoys the taste of kneecaps. He's here thanks to Telltale Games bringing him and his big canine partner back from the grave LucasArts dug for them in the 90s. Next is StrongBad, of Homestar Runner. He first appeared courtesy of TellTale in his Cool Game for Attractive People. Apparently the only thing he got out of the game's designers was "a recommendation for a cool hang-out." He's the shortest player at the table, but do not judge him by his size. Or the fact that he can hold his cards quite well despite the boxing gloves. Taking a break from crushing tiny baby-men with bare hands, the Heavy of Team RED came to the Inventory after the Engineer showed him where it was. Apparently, destroying opponents in games of poker is just as satisfying as mowing them down with Sasha. Not only does he bring his distinctive voice and imposing presence, the Heavy also shares quite a bit about himself. You may just find out what his favorite movies are. Last but certainly not least, Tycho of Penny Arcade may seem to be the most reasonable one at the table, but don't be fooled. He brings not only his trusty 20-sided die but also portents of doom and his rapier-sharp rapid-fire wit. He rounds out your opponents nicely. The dialog and interactions in this game are fantastic. They alone are worth the price of admission. And, really, they're what you're paying for. As a representation of Texas Hold 'Em goes, it's not going to set the world on fire. Max might, though, if I don't wrap this review up quickly. In contrast to a lot of Steam titles available, this is a relaxing and fun little enterprise. One-liners whip across the table as your opponents taunt one another and call you out to match their bets. Even when you're not playing, say for example after Strong Bad went all in on what seemed to be a weak flop only to pull a flush out of his mask, you're pretty much guaranteed to have a good time. There's hours of entertainment here, and for $5 on Steam, you can't ask for more and might expect much less. Poker Night at the Inventory is packed to the brim with more than you'd think, from fantastic dialog to Team Fortress 2 unlockables, and is worth every penny.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory — Blue Ink Alchemy

So, what can you do with $5 these days? Get a Happy Meal, or a footlong sub. Take a ride on a mass transit people-mover. Put just over a gallon of gasoline in your car. Or, get yourself lots, and I mean lots, of entertainment. On the surface, Poker Night at the Inventory sounds like something thought up as a cute little "what if" scenario. Simply, this is bunch of Internet favorites gathered together to play some no-limit Texas Hold 'Em in a private, semi-secret club established as a holdout first against Prohibition, then the idea of games becoming shunned or banned. While some of us might simply sit around drinking and talking about how such a scenario might play out, Telltale Games took a break from their succession of point-and-click adventure entries that breathed new life into some neglected LucasArts franchises and made the scenario happen. It's now available on Steam, and the results are simple, addictive and hilarious. They saved you a seat. The characters are, as I said, favorites of the Internet. First is Max, of the Sam & Max Freelance Police. Of the two, Max has always been the unhinged one. His tendency is to solve his problems with violence. The rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail has nothing on the lagomorph, since the furry little slayer of knights never ran off at the mouth about how much he enjoys the taste of kneecaps. He's here thanks to Telltale Games bringing him and his big canine partner back from the grave LucasArts dug for them in the 90s. Next is StrongBad, of Homestar Runner. He first appeared courtesy of TellTale in his Cool Game for Attractive People. Apparently the only thing he got out of the game's designers was "a recommendation for a cool hang-out." He's the shortest player at the table, but do not judge him by his size. Or the fact that he can hold his cards quite well despite the boxing gloves. Taking a break from crushing tiny baby-men with bare hands, the Heavy of Team RED came to the Inventory after the Engineer showed him where it was. Apparently, destroying opponents in games of poker is just as satisfying as mowing them down with Sasha. Not only does he bring his distinctive voice and imposing presence, the Heavy also shares quite a bit about himself. You may just find out what his favorite movies are. Last but certainly not least, Tycho of Penny Arcade may seem to be the most reasonable one at the table, but don't be fooled. He brings not only his trusty 20-sided die but also portents of doom and his rapier-sharp rapid-fire wit. He rounds out your opponents nicely. The dialog and interactions in this game are fantastic. They alone are worth the price of admission. And, really, they're what you're paying for. As a representation of Texas Hold 'Em goes, it's not going to set the world on fire. Max might, though, if I don't wrap this review up quickly. In contrast to a lot of Steam titles available, this is a relaxing and fun little enterprise. One-liners whip across the table as your opponents taunt one another and call you out to match their bets. Even when you're not playing, say for example after Strong Bad went all in on what seemed to be a weak flop only to pull a flush out of his mask, you're pretty much guaranteed to have a good time. There's hours of entertainment here, and for $5 on Steam, you can't ask for more and might expect much less. Poker Night at the Inventory is packed to the brim with more than you'd think, from fantastic dialog to Team Fortress 2 unlockables, and is worth every penny.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory — Blue Ink Alchemy

So, what can you do with $5 these days? Get a Happy Meal, or a footlong sub. Take a ride on a mass transit people-mover. Put just over a gallon of gasoline in your car. Or, get yourself lots, and I mean lots, of entertainment. On the surface, Poker Night at the Inventory sounds like something thought up as a cute little "what if" scenario. Simply, this is bunch of Internet favorites gathered together to play some no-limit Texas Hold 'Em in a private, semi-secret club established as a holdout first against Prohibition, then the idea of games becoming shunned or banned. While some of us might simply sit around drinking and talking about how such a scenario might play out, Telltale Games took a break from their succession of point-and-click adventure entries that breathed new life into some neglected LucasArts franchises and made the scenario happen. It's now available on Steam, and the results are simple, addictive and hilarious. They saved you a seat. The characters are, as I said, favorites of the Internet. First is Max, of the Sam & Max Freelance Police. Of the two, Max has always been the unhinged one. His tendency is to solve his problems with violence. The rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail has nothing on the lagomorph, since the furry little slayer of knights never ran off at the mouth about how much he enjoys the taste of kneecaps. He's here thanks to Telltale Games bringing him and his big canine partner back from the grave LucasArts dug for them in the 90s. Next is StrongBad, of Homestar Runner. He first appeared courtesy of TellTale in his Cool Game for Attractive People. Apparently the only thing he got out of the game's designers was "a recommendation for a cool hang-out." He's the shortest player at the table, but do not judge him by his size. Or the fact that he can hold his cards quite well despite the boxing gloves. Taking a break from crushing tiny baby-men with bare hands, the Heavy of Team RED came to the Inventory after the Engineer showed him where it was. Apparently, destroying opponents in games of poker is just as satisfying as mowing them down with Sasha. Not only does he bring his distinctive voice and imposing presence, the Heavy also shares quite a bit about himself. You may just find out what his favorite movies are. Last but certainly not least, Tycho of Penny Arcade may seem to be the most reasonable one at the table, but don't be fooled. He brings not only his trusty 20-sided die but also portents of doom and his rapier-sharp rapid-fire wit. He rounds out your opponents nicely. The dialog and interactions in this game are fantastic. They alone are worth the price of admission. And, really, they're what you're paying for. As a representation of Texas Hold 'Em goes, it's not going to set the world on fire. Max might, though, if I don't wrap this review up quickly. In contrast to a lot of Steam titles available, this is a relaxing and fun little enterprise. One-liners whip across the table as your opponents taunt one another and call you out to match their bets. Even when you're not playing, say for example after Strong Bad went all in on what seemed to be a weak flop only to pull a flush out of his mask, you're pretty much guaranteed to have a good time. There's hours of entertainment here, and for $5 on Steam, you can't ask for more and might expect much less. Poker Night at the Inventory is packed to the brim with more than you'd think, and is worth every penny.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Into The Nentir Vale: Part 5

Into The Nentir Vale: Part 5 — Blue Ink Alchemy

The Nentir Vale is a campaign setting provided to new players of Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition. It's present in the Red Box and most of the starting materials. For a party almost all completely new to D&D and a DM re-familiarizing himself with the latest edition, it's a great place to start a campaign. This will be an ongoing recollection of what happens to the party as they make their way through the Nentir Vale. Enjoy. Previously: Who's in charge of these kobolds, anyway? The party continued down the King's Road to Winterhaven. They remained long enough to speak with a few of the locals about the Keep on the Shadowfell. Apparently, it had been occupied but only until recently. Making their way north of Winterhaven to the forbidding ruin of the Keep, they found evidence of the goings-on taking place before its abandonment. Under the ruin through some dank corridors, they found a room almost entirely encased in shadow. The half-completed portal in the room seemed to be absorbing the light from the few guttering torches in the chamber. Despite this dire portent, there was not a living soul to be found among the ruins or the catacombs, and the only clue as to what had happened to either the death cultist Krillorien sought or the goblin war chief mentioned in the letter carried by Lyria was a dark banner, bordered in red with a single symbol in its center: a red circular chain.

"We should take it." - Ben as Krillorien "But stealing is wrong!" - Mike as Andrasian "Lyria's already taken it." - Danielle

The party returned to Winterhaven before setting down the King's Road for Fallcrest. Without wagons or horses, the trek took them two days. Upon arriving they made finding Marla, the priestess of Pelor who had told Krillorien of Malareth's fascination with death cults and reported activity outside of Winterhaven. They found her in the House of the Sun, speaking with a senior priest, Grundelmar the dwarf. Upon seeing the banner, the priests sent the foursome to the Lord Warden, aware of his interest in the chain symbol but unsure of its significance. Markelhay, happy to see the heroes, told them the banner belonged to the Iron Circle. A band of mercenaries with a mysterious but undeniable purpose, the Iron Circle first appeared in the Nentir Vale two months before the party's discovery of their banner in the Keep. While the Lord Warden had gotten no reports of Circle activity anywhere near Winterhaven, he does know they stormed Harken Keep to the southeast and conquered Harkenwold. Markelhay's friend, Baron Stockmer, was now their captive, and the brigands were exacting "tolls" and confiscations from all who dwelt and passed through the area. Teldorthan Ironhews had also heard of the Iron Circle. The blacksmith told Andrasian that he'd heard rumors of an old nemesis, Nazin Redthorn, commanding the mercenaries in the Nentir Vale. Fashioning a suit of mail from draconscale recovered by the elf, Teldorthan expressed his desire for the adventurers to return to Redthorn's head. Lyria was also a beneficiary of the blacksmith, who presented her with an obsidian dagger fashioned by the drow. To explore and empower its enchantments, the halfling and Melanie visited Orest Naerumar, who was delighted to see them. He asked if the rumors were true, and the heroes had rid the Vale of the extant threat within Kobold Hall.

"Yeah, they played tetherball with us." - Ben

Outfitted and prepared, the heroes found space aboard a wagon train heading south. Rather than go into Harkenwold itself, the driver let them off before taking a fork from the King's Road towards Hammerfast. Proceeding on foot, the party spotted black smoke and followed it to a scene of a homestead being put to the torch. Iron Circle brigands and their pet wolves had set the outhouse on fire, and when the party approached they dismissed the heroes, saying it was Iron Circle business. A woman's voice from within the house pointed out that this 'business' looked like robbery and murder. The battle ensued and it was clear the party was a match for the mercenaries. The wolves harried the heroes but they did not last long under the concentrated efforts of Melanie's spells, Andrasian's blade, Lyria's flourishes and Krillorien's prayers. Inside the house they found a woman named Ilyana and her sons. The homesteader explained that her husband Karthen had been murdered by the mercenaries, but hope remains and the people are ready to fight back. To touch things off, the heroes would need to speak with Reithann, the druid, or Dar Gremath, an old fighter somewhere in the town of Albridge. With the druid's grove being closer, the heroes set off in that direction first... All locations, NPCs, spells and equipment copyright Wizards of the Coast unless otherwise noted.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Into the Nentir Vale: Part 4

Into the Nentir Vale: Part 4 — Blue Ink Alchemy

The Nentir Vale is a campaign setting provided to new players of Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition. It's present in the Red Box and most of the starting materials. For a party almost all completely new to D&D and a DM re-familiarizing himself with the latest edition, it's a great place to start a campaign. This will be an ongoing recollection of what happens to the party as they make their way through the Nentir Vale. Enjoy. Previously: Kobolds play in old tombs. They took time to rest. Melanie reflected on her spells, Lyria sharpened her daggers, Andrasian practiced his swings with the axe and Krillorien recited his prayers. When they were ready, they delved deeper into the so-called Kobold Hall, wary for trouble and unnerved by the caverns' growing chill. They walked into an open chamber with pillars and a frozen pool of water. Guttering torchlight cast dancing shadows along the stone walls. The party kept their eyes on the darkness for any potential danger, with the exception of Lyria.

"Oh my, is that a hangnail?" - Danielle as Lyria, getting surprised by Szartharrax

From behind the largest pillar in the room, a large winged shape pounced upon the party. Covered in snow-white scales and fixed on its prey with beady eyes, the white dragon Szartharrax announced his presence with a blast of cold breath and a palpable miasma of fear. The party was quick to respond, Krillorien blessing them with his prayers as Melanie assaulted the dragon with the vision of an imposing ogre. The dragon seemed unimpressed, however, and swiped at the humanoids with its massive claws.

"Why do we roll shit when we get all these bonuses?" "Because RNG hates your guts." - Eric & Danielle

The dragon did not have the advantage of surprise for long. Lyria, forgetting all about her apparent hangnail, sank her blades deep into its side as Andrasian kept it at bay. Krillorien's sword sang the battle hymn of Pelor as Melanie conjured the terrifying image of a mind flayer. Set on its scaly heels by the assault, Szartharrax struck back, only to overextend its reach and leave itself open to a counterattack by the cleric, who unleaded a brand of righteousness upon their foe.

"It misses like a champ." "Then I kick it in the balls." - DM & Ben

The dragon quickly found itself on the defensive. Another flurry of blows from the halfling sent it into a mad frenzy, causing it to breath cold once more. This time, the sellswords were ready for it. Spells and strikes meant to shatter bones and cleave limbs came into play, even if every blow did not land as intended.

"RIGHTEOUS BRA- oh, a 7. Nevermind." - Eric, on Ben's Righteous Brand roll

Szartharrax had begun by attacking Lyria and Melanie in an apparent bid to rob the party of its lighter-armored members. Now, it focused all of its attention on the elf in scale mail. Perhaps the metal scales reminded it of some metallic foe of its past. Perhaps the elf's blows were the most telling. Whatever the reason, Szartharrax lashed out at Andrasian, first with its claws and then, unsatisfied, snapped out to bite the elf. Andrasian felt the cold teeth sink deep, but struck back at the dragon with all his might.

"It's okay, I still have Elven Accuracy just in case. *rolls a 4* ...I use Elven Accuracy..." - Mike

The dragon was clearly beginning to feel its wounds. Its movements slowed but were still deadly. Melanie reached deep into Szartharrax's juvenile mind, pulled out its deepest fear and made it real with her phantasmal force. The metallic dragon that suddenly appeared roared at Szartharrax, giving it pause. That was the opening Lyria had been waiting for. With a running start, she sprang onto the white dragon's snout, somersaulted behind its horns and bent to bury her dagger in its eye up the hilt. The white dragon squawked in surprise, then toppled to the ground.

"YAAAAAY WE DID IT! *claps like an infant*" - Ben

Among the dragon's hidden belongings were the bit of dragon hide Teldorthan had asked Andrasian to recover, a sum of gold along with a decent-sized pearl, a longsword with a handle wrapped in black leather with a small silver skull for a pommel, and a letter written in Draconic offering an alliance to the kobolds from Irontooth, the goblin warlord wishing to conquer the Nentir Vale. It spoke of taking the long-unoccupied dwarven manse south of Fallcrest and using it as a staging point for the invasion of the town. Krillorien realized that was why the goblins kept attacking his house. The party left Kobold Hall, returning briefly to Fallcrest before making their way south to Winterhaven east to Harkenwold. While they had ended the threat of Szartharrax and his kobold minions, the ominous portents of the letter and word of a death cult beyond the southern hamlet eastern barony meant their adventures were only beginning... Next: Your cultist is in another castle. All locations, NPCs, spells and equipment copyright Wizards of the Coast unless otherwise noted.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Be A Pitch Machine

Be A Pitch Machine — Blue Ink Alchemy

This is going to be yet another one of those "advice I should follow myself before I dispense it" posts. I, like many other authors, have been rejected far more often than I've been accepted. From big publishing houses to small press folks, I've heard the word NO at least a dozen times before hearing a single YES. It's something for you aspiring young novelists wrapping up NaNoWriMo to keep in mind when you have your shiny new novel in hand and want to see it get ink. It applies to other writers, too, or writers between novels or edits of novels looking to keep the writing muscles in tip-top shape without engaging in exercises of long prose. Because let's face it, you can't run marathons all the time. The best way to stay in shape is sprints around the track. It keeps the muscles primed and ready for that long haul of 26 miles. For the writer, that means short works. Stories, articles, what have you. That brings me to the image above. For the uninitiated, that is a pitching machine. And that is what you (and I) need to be. Be it to anthologies of fiction or magazines like The Escapist or any other type of publication looking for fresh new work to populate their pages, you won't get in the door if you don't knock on it. Repeatedly. I'm not saying to be annoying, nor should you just fire off a pitch the moment an idea pops into your head. Your pitch should be just like any other work you produce: refined, edited, free of error and as note-perfect and punch-to-the-guttish as possible. That is to say, someone reading it should feel the wind go out of their lungs in at least a metaphorical sense when they realize what you're getting at and what you can do for them. Still, one pitch is never enough. It should never be enough. Find places to pitch, especially if they have multiple issues coming, and pitch as much as you can. Again, you don't want to get to the point of being annoying or fire off pitches half-formed and smelling slightly of bacon grease and day-old coffee. Strike the right balance between camping outside of their place looking through their windows with envy and donning the black tie and white short-sleeved shirt with pitch in hand, ringing their doorbell over and over until they open the door to find you there with the creepiest smile ever on your face asking if they've heard your idea yet. Okay, I'm straining metaphors to the point of them breaking so I think I'm making my point. At least, I hope I am. If nothing else, your pitches should be repeated, persistent, polite and nothing like this. They should not be rambling, off-the-cuff affairs with bad humor and superfluous language that obfuscate the fact that you have nothing to say.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Building New Worlds

Building New Worlds — Blue Ink Alchemy

The Nentir Vale seems a decent starting area for most Dungeons & Dragons adventures in 4th edition. But it's only a smaller part of a larger world, most of which is undocumented. In order to expand beyond the Vale, a little groundwork needs to be laid. As I start considering where my current party will go from here, and where other players may start their own adventures (this weekend, for instance?), there are a few things that need to be taken into account.

Climate

The Nentir Vale is a northern portion of whatever continent it's on, but it's not covered in snow like the northern content of Northrend in Azeroth. Reaches beyond the Vale are colder and more stereotypically "northern", while south of the Vale are lands that are more temperate. When mapping out the rest of the shore, if not the world, it will behoove a DM to keep in mind that the Nentir Vale is similar, at least in part, to a land like Canada or the Ukraine. It should fit into any maps accordingly.

Culture

Evidence exists of some sort of kingdom or empire south of the Vale. Some history is given in the material available to DMs of 4th edition, but that can of course be mined or even ignored if it benefits the story and campaign. To me, having a more structured if somewhat oppressive authority to the south while the north remains wild and untamed will not only lend the world a necessary dimension of diversity, but will also lead to...

Conflict

There are only so many delves a party can enter without being connected to a larger world. As much fun as it is to enter a forgotten tomb or horrors or track a dragon down to their lair, games like Dragon Age and Fable lend weight and memorability to their stories by pulling the player into a large world outside themselves, one with politics, history and the threat of war. In order to engender this atmosphere in a D&D campaign, work must be done to establish the background, relationships and points of contention between the extant powers that be. The players can choose one side or another to support, or they can upset both sides to carve their own place in the world. A good DM remembers that the players are the stars. When it comes to decisions outside of mechanics, they should be allowed to make those decisions even if the consequences are negative. Failing to roll the right number to hit should be the extent of out-and-out "punishments" the DM hands down. Maybe slaying the potentate of a land will have a different outcome than the players intend, but it isn't the place of the DM to talk them out of it because of what it'd do to their story. Instead, such an occurrence should be seen as an opportunity to allow growth in the world, exploration of the player's characters and the basis for new adventures. With the right foundations, a new world can be built any number of ways.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

There Goes That Desert Bus

There Goes That Desert Bus — Blue Ink Alchemy

It's that time again, folks. The fine Canadian comedians of Loading Ready Run have taken to the road once more. In a manner of speaking. The 4th Annual Desert Bus For Hope, I believe subtitled "A New Hope", is underway. They've already been playing the world's most boring video game for 9 hours as of this writing. For those of you who don't know, this annual event is similar to the Extra Life challenge, in that intrepid gamers take on a marathon session for charity. Desert Bus, however, lasts much longer than 24 hours. It lasts as long as the donations do. And the crew at Loading Ready Run play only one game: Desert Bus, an unreleased game on Sega CD that was part of Penn & Teller's Smoke & Mirrors. You drive a bus from Tuscon to Las Vegas. There's no traffic, very little scenery and the bus occasionally veers a bit to the right, so you can't tape down a button to do something else in order to complete the journey. Sound like fun? It isn't. Last year they raised over $140,000 for the Child's Play charity, which benefits children's hospitals with donations of toys, games, books and cash. This year I'd love to see them break the $200,000 mark. That means they'd be playing Desert Bus for at least a week straight. Visit their site or the special feature over at the Escapist. Give what you can. Check out the things they do to amuse themselves while they play this tedious excuse for a video game. There are auctions, special guests and more than a few surprises. And remember, it's for the children.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Angels & Demons

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Angels & Demons — Blue Ink Alchemy

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/angelsndemons.mp3] When I was studying English at university, I came across a revelation. It was a place full of distractions that could sap the time and energy of the unwary student, and deadlines do not often change based on a hangover or waking up in an unfamiliar place. However, it is possible, under those circumstances, to produce a paper that seems to have been adequately researched even if it was not. I, however, never made the grand assertion that anything I threw together at the 11th hour contained information that was entirely factual. That sort of claim is best left to other authors. Like Dan Brown, for instance. It's something overshadowing all of his books, as well as the two adaptations of novels to films as of this writing — The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons. Of the two, Angels and Demons is better. I didn't hate it. That would require interest and energy that the movie doesn't really deserve or earn. At the Large Hadron Collider, an experiment to harvest antimatter goes exceedingly well, resulting in three clear Pringles cans that magically contain the annihilating substance. One of them is stolen. Meanwhile, in Vatican City, the Pope has died and the cardinals of the Catholic Church are gathering for Conclave, the sealed conference in which they choose the new head of the Church. However, four of the favorites for the throne of St. Peter have been kidnapped. The only clue anyone has is a strange image that seems to be a word - "Illuminati." Shown the antimatter container's dying battery and given a ticking clock, the Church turns to someone they know who can unravel the mystery - Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon. Shedding the embarrassing mullet he sported in his first outing as Langdon, Tom Hanks gives the protagonist his particular form of everyman charm. He places the professor squarely between the quiet earnestness of Ewan MacGregor and the rather seething menace of Stellan Skarsgaard. In general, the performances in Angels & Demons don't go over the top and do what they can to lend some much needed plausibility to the plot. I do have to say that I was initially disappointed that Audrey Tautou wouldn't be joining us this time around, but when I saw how superfluous the role of 'the girl' was I was glad she didn't waste her time.
The Catholics definitely know how to liven up a congregational meeting. Director Ron Howard shoots this movie and frames his scenes rather well. The action is clean, the actors sincere and the dialog uncontrived, save for the occasional spiral into false fact. Dan Brown, from what I understand, is a practicioner of what I will call "shock schlock" - writing that is mediocre at best framed in devices like bad research or a flimsy reinterpretation of classic horror creatures. The marked difference between what the audience knows or expects and what appears in the book is meant to stir up controversy and thus raise interest in the book, thus increasing sales. It's entirely possible Brown had this purpose in mind when he claimed all the historical "facts" he cites to be "true." The problem is, they're not. A quick Google search clears up the inconsistencies that, for me, pretty much ruin the narrative. Take Galileo, for example. In the film, Langdon tells us that his assertion that the Earth moves around the Sun caused the Church to bully him into recanting his works and releasing books that retracted his earlier writings, only he also released a book in secret that contained "the Truth" and founded the Illuminati. The implication of this Truth's existence isn't as damning of the Church as it is in the DaVinci Code and nobody tries to kill Langdon over heliocentricity the way they did over the idea of Christ having a child. The Church has only a limited number of assassins, you see. Anyway, it was a glaring error that threw me for a loop. Let me explain.
Painting by Cristiano Banti, 1857 Galileo Galilei was called before a papal court in 1633 on suspicion of heresey. When Galileo, a devout Catholic, discussed his work with Pope Urban VIII, His Holiness told Galileo to go ahead and write out the arguments for and against heliocentrism, but not to advocate it. Instead, he framed the argument as a narrative definitely in favor of the Earth's movement and gave the view of the Pope through a character taken by his audience to be a simpleton. In light of this unintended slight, the Inquisition demanded Galileo recant his advocacy. He didn't. For this he was placed under house arrest for the rest of his life, his books were banned and publication of further works forbidden, and he died alone, penniless and blind. Oh, and the Illuminati? Not founded until 1776. This is just one example, but it permeates both this work and The DaVinci Code so deliberately and thoroughly that I can't help but feel Brown is being systematic in his use (or abuse) of history. I do try to judge a film on its own merits regardless of its source material, but there's so much heavy-handedness in these works it might well have been typed out by someone wearing medieval plate gauntlets. Just as Stephenie Meyer uses defanged vampires and sullen, lackluster werewolves to teach her audience about abstinence and the righteousness of traditional marriage, Brown uses falsified and mis-interpreted historical documentation to elevate science to a sort of divinity while demonizing people of faith. Any faith. But especially Catholicism. He's one strained metaphor and misquoted date away from having Langdon sparkle in the sunlight.
"THIS IS THE SKIN OF A BOOKWORM, BELLA." While Dan Brown seems to be doing his utmost to drive a wedge between science and the Catholic Church, even after the big reveal at the end, the movie doesn't seem interested in choosing a side. It presents the conflict and depicts the lengths to which the Church may go to defend itself, albeit in a much less heavy-handed manner than The DaVinci Code. Ron Howard's aim appears to be balancing things out so that the film, on its own narrative, doesn't declare one side good and the other evil. There's a truth in that, as while Angels and Demons follows the trend of Brown's work in using intellectualism to undercut the tenants of faith, Langdon's presence ends up protecting the very faith he struggles to accept. Not for himself, mind you. He still seems to scoff at anybody who'd even consider the idea of a divine presence, let alone an invisible man controlling every aspect of creation, a viable one. And considering the nature of the work, that's Brown's sarcastic, "oh you're such a child" smirk we're seeing, not Langdon's. To their credit, the screenwriters, actors and director of Angels & Demons manage to keep the messages of the movie from overriding the narrative. The problem with this is, without the deliberately inflammatory nature of the sentiment running under Brown's prose, there isn't much here. It feels far too mediocre to illicit the sort of reaction Brown was likely going for. I'm not certain if Brown is deliberately trying to pull people away from the church by painting them as a cadre of supervillains or if his aims are just to make a quick buck with some "shock schlock," but Howard and his cast completely destroy whatever aim he had by rendering the story of his first Langdon adventure entirely without teeth, power or even much energy. It limps along for its 150 minute run-time, never really rising above the mire of its source material yet treating that material like it's an embarrassment. Which, let's face it, it kind of is. Angels and Demons, for all of its star power and bestseller basis, simply can't be arsed to care enough to tell a good story. And if it can't be arsed to care, I can't be either. Josh Loomis can't always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it's unclear if this week's film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain... IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Welcome to Scrivener: Beyond Mere Writing

Welcome to Scrivener: Beyond Mere Writing — Blue Ink Alchemy

It's been a very busy week so far for me, and while my writerly focus is shifting for the time being from Citizen in the Wilds to shorter works both written and unwritten, Scrivener is still a toolbox full of potential. Once you understand the basics of the program and experience it in action, it becomes clear that it can be a boon to endeavours beyond novel or screenplay construction. With a little work and creative thinking, Scrivener can become a hub for activies both productive and entertaining. For example, a little transcription of notes, or the taking of them directly into Scrivener can transform the program from a writing platform to a study aid. Writing a leading question or key phrase in a note's synopsis and then going into the Corkboard view is a good way to review for an exam. Rearrange the notecards, review your terms and perpare yourself for the questions ahead. It also can help in the construction of papers, with access not only to notes but also to downloaded or transcribed research, all in one place. Another possibility has nothing to do with either academia or publication. With it's division of material, ability to import just about anything and power as a text editor, Scrivener can be used to create new advetures and campaigns for tabletop games like Dungeons & Dragons. Location notes, creature statistics, NPC dialog and maps can all be brought into Scrivener, divided up and rearranged at the Dungeon Master's whim, and for those actually writing in the industry, a final product can be exported like the draft of a manuscript, ready to be transformed into a PDF and sold on DriveThruRPG. I imagine it would take a lot of the frustration or confusion out of the process, since you won't have as hard a time finding a particular encounter, map or statistic. At this point these permutations of Scrivener seem somewhat theorhetical. What other ways might you think Scrivener can assist the creative mind?

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Canned Goods: READ THIS FIRST

Canned Goods: READ THIS FIRST — Blue Ink Alchemy

Due to time & dayjob constraints, I'm unable to continue my series on Scrivener today. However, Scrivener is still on my mind. I added this to the Citizen in the Wilds project, and before I put it aside, interested parties may want to check this out. Spoiler-tagged for your protection. [spoiler] Asherian zan Alwred's defining characteristic is that he's intelligent. He's not brave or willfully charming, nor is he arrogant or rude. He's a bookworm, focused entirely on his magic and how it benefits him. Being thrown into the Wilds makes him apply his intelligence in different ways. Even then, he doesn't begin really questioning who he is or the nature of his home until Danae is shot. His sister needs to be downplayed. The loneliness and alien nature of the Wilds loses a lot when he's in nigh-constant contact with her. The killing the seers subplot is also superfluous. Mention her, give Ash the means to 'mind-meld' with Danae somewhere in his notes, but don't put them in actual contact until maybe halfway through the book. The change in Ash from shy, polite bookworm to someone determined to find answers and uncover the hidden nature of the world should be jarring to his sister. The Cities need more initial presentation. The conversations among Ash's classmates need to underscore that the way the Cities do things - the control of the Council of Elders, the sanitization of history and exterior cultures, the use and abuse of non-Citizens - is normal. Emphasize that Justinian allegedly founded the Cities as a haven for the study and protection of magic, which to Citizens is an essential part of the nature, the lattice upon which the world is built. By mastering it, they master the world, and without them it would run rampant. Consider adjusting Harren's motivations & attitude. He may be bitter and disillusioned with the Cities since they never came for him. When he finds out someone IS coming for Ash, perhaps through a whisper in his brother's dreams (NOT A FULL-BLOWN CONVERSATION), he's simultaneously jealous of this and willing to help his brother stay alive long enough to get rescued. Danae's wound and Ash's reaction to heal her pisses him off because it is, to him, a delay in getting back. When the truth comes out, he's even more dumb-struck than Ash. Danae's fine, save that she should be conscious when Ash goes after her memory. After witnessing it, Danae's in contact with Ash's mind and knows he recognizes the guns. This means she'll be less inclined to speak to him or flirt with him on their way to the dwarves. It's only after days of contemplation and observation that she realizes Ash really had no idea of how his work would be used. [/spoiler]

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Canned Goods: READ THIS FIRST

Canned Goods: READ THIS FIRST — Blue Ink Alchemy

Due to time & dayjob constraints, I'm unable to continue my series on Scrivener today. However, Scrivener is still on my mind. I added this to the Citizen in the Wilds project, and before I put it aside, interested parties may want to check this out. Spoiler-tagged for your protection. [spoiler] Asherian zan Alwred's defining characteristic is that he's intelligent. He's not brave or willfully charming, nor is he arrogant or rude. He's a bookworm, focused entirely on his magic and how it benefits him. Being thrown into the Wilds makes him apply his intelligence in different ways. Even then, he doesn't begin really questioning who he is or the nature of his home until Danae is shot. His sister needs to be downplayed. The loneliness and alien nature of the Wilds loses a lot when he's in nigh-constant contact with her. The killing the seers subplot is also superfluous. Mention her, give Ash the means to 'mind-meld' with Danae somewhere in his notes, but don't put them in actual contact until maybe halfway through the book. The change in Ash from shy, polite bookworm to someone determined to find answers and uncover the hidden nature of the world should be jarring to his sister. The Cities need more initial presentation. The conversations among Ash's classmates need to underscore that the way the Cities do things - the control of the Council of Elders, the sanitization of history and exterior cultures, the use and abuse of non-Citizens - is normal. Emphasize that Justinian allegedly founded the Cities as a haven for the study and protection of magic, which to Citizens is an essential part of the nature, the lattice upon which the world is built. By mastering it, they master the world, and without them it would run rampant. Consider adjusting Harren's motivations & attitude. He may be bitter and disillusioned with the Cities since they never came for him. When he finds out someone IS coming for Ash, perhaps through a whisper in his brother's dreams (NOT A FULL-BLOWN CONVERSATION), he's simultaneously jealous of this and willing to help his brother stay alive long enough to get rescued. Danae's wound and Ash's reaction to heal her pisses him off because it is, to him, a delay in getting back. When the truth comes out, he's even more dumb-struck than Ash. Danae's fine, save that she should be conscious when Ash goes after her memory. After witnessing it, Danae's in contact with Ash's mind and knows he recognizes the guns. This means she'll be less inclined to speak to him or flirt with him on their way to the dwarves. It's only after days of contemplation and observation that she realizes Ash really had no idea of how his work would be used. [/spoiler]

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Opening the Dungeon Master's Kit

Opening the Dungeon Master's Kit — Blue Ink Alchemy

Thanks to my attendance at MEPAcon this past weekend and the generous guys of the Portal Comics & Gaming in Bethlehem, I now own the Dungeon Master's Kit, a D&D Essentials product in the vein of the new Red Box and the Monster Vault. The party is returning to the Nentir Vale tonight, and while my laptop awaits a new power supply, this Kit promises to make sure I do not assume my place behind the screen unarmed. Peeling away the plastic and pulling off the cover depicting some rather dashing art, one discovers the following. Reavers of Harkenwold. This is a two-part adventure that not only expands further upon the denizens and situations within the Nentir Vale, but also explores many of the aspects key to a well-rounded adventure and part of a larger campaign: NPCs with personalities and goals, dungeons with traps and branching pathways, role-playing encounters and so on. So far there's a great deal of potential and I will know more once the party enters the Harkenwold. Battle Maps. These go with the adventure and also can be used afterwards. One of the maps has art consistent with the quality seen in the other Essentials products while the other feels a little lackluster. It could just be the brightness of the colors and the thickness of the lines, but it doesn't appear to be of the same quality. To me, at least. Still, the greater variety of locations on these maps means they can be combined with those from the other products to mix things up for the players in future encounters. Monster tokens. While you're sure to see some repetition between these counters and those in both the Monster Vault and the Red Box, there are plenty of human opponents included, for use as guardsmen, minions or competing sellswords. There are also some rather nice NPC counters mixed in to the bunch. From the innkeeper's wife to a white-bearded wizard, you can now depict either valuable allies or singular villains on the maps when your heroes storm the enemy stronghold. Like the Monster Vault's tokens, these are two-sided to facilitate easily showing when a victim is bloodied. Hero tokens. Expanding on those included in the Red Box, an entire sheet in the DM Kit is dedicated to the races available to players, from dragonborn to tieflings. There are more humans than any other race, and spaces that could include more art from other races — dwarves or halflings for example — are taken up with Action Point tokens. I'm glad to see some of these races get tokens, as I mentioned in my Red Box unboxing that getting miniatures for all of these guys can be quite an investment, and I personally am a big fan of dragonborn and tieflings as player races. As complaints go, holding something in your hands and saying "I wish there were more of these" isn't a bad one. DM Screen. Flimsier than its stand-alone cousin, it still contains a lot of information a DM might need in the course of an encounter, right at their fingertips. It also conceals notes and dice rolls from the players. Dungeon Master's Book. There have been some updates to the 4th edition rules since the original DMG came out a couple years ago, and this book makes it a point to include those revisions. It also includes sections for the DM regarding campaign-building, improvisation and loot creation. What might be most surprising to veterans of Dungeons & Dragons is this book's size. Instead of the hefty hardbacks of other core rulebooks, this is an attractive softcover that still contains a fantastic amount of information and is written in a format similar to the Monster Vault book — in-depth, easy to digest and fun to read. While veteran DMs already armed with the tools of their trade may not see the value in this kit, newcomers to Dungeon Mastering or returning storytellers with only peripheral knowledge of 4th edition (like myself!) gain a lot of tools when they pick this up. More than just a pre-generated adventure and monsters, the Dungeon Master's Kit lays the foundation upon which a saavy DM can build just about any campaign he or she wants. The size of the book belies the value of its information and is far more portable than others of its kind. Of the three Essentials products I've unboxed, the Dungeon Master's Kit is probably my favorite. But the Monster Vault's a close second. I loves me some beholders and owlbears.

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Blue Ink Alchemy