Merely A Setback

Merely A Setback — Blue Ink Alchemy

Art by ArtDoge Been feeling the Blizzard bug nibbling at me lately. As much as I would love to dive back into Azeroth and prepare for the new expansion to World of Warcraft, there are a lot of things I need to take care of in the real world first. Things have been quiet on the YouTube channel (save for someone having fun with the dislike buttons - you go, whomever you are! *big grin*); despite picking up a new microphone and finally getting Balthazar in a running condition, I haven't produced a new video for the last couple of weeks. This past week was a six-day workweek, and I've been having bouts of insomnia every night of it, yet haven't had much energy to be overly productive outside of work. Hooray! I'm depressed again! There are times when depression leaves one with enough energy and motivation to go about some basic tasks - feeding myself, taking a shower, getting to and from work, being on my game at work, etc - but beyond that, one has very little in terms of both of those things. There are others when victims of depression don't even have those to go on, and I've certainly had my bouts of building a blanket fort and curling up inside. But this is not one of those times. This depression, be it the usual pervasive mix of hindsight and contrition, or seasonally affected, is merely a setback. Likewise, losing yet another home, having my car sit in a non-street legal state, and playing perpetual waiting games with potential oaths of upward motion are all merely setbacks. I'll keep doing everything I'm able every day. I'll find a new rhythm. I'll move to a place of my own. I'll return to writing fiction, to vlogging, to streaming Hearthstone, to truly loving life. I'll learn to cope with my moods and thoughts in an active amd positive way, as opposed to merely in hindsight with a mix of nostalgia or contrition. I'll learn to love myself - fully, truly love myself every single day. Thank you for bearing with me in the meantime.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Merely A Setback

Merely A Setback — Blue Ink Alchemy

Art by ArtDoge Been feeling the Blizzard bug nibbling at me lately. As much as I would love to dive back into Azeroth and prepare for the new expansion to World of Warcraft, there are a lot of things I need to take care of in the real world first. Things have been quiet on the YouTube channel (save for someone having fun with the dislike buttons - you go, whomever you are! *big grin*); despite picking up a new microphone and finally getting Balthazar in a running condition, I haven't produced a new video for the last couple of weeks. This past week was a six-day workweek, and I've been having bouts of insomnia every night of it, yet haven't had much energy to be overly productive outside of work. Hooray! I'm depressed again! There are times when depression leaves one with enough energy and motivation to go about some basic tasks - feeding myself, taking a shower, getting to and from work, being on my game at work, etc - but beyond that, one has very little in terms of both of those things. There are others when victims of depression don't even have those to go on, and I've certainly had my bouts of building a blanket fort and curling up inside. But this is not one of those times. This depression, be it the usual pervasive mix of hindsight and contrition, or seasonally affected, is merely a setback. Likewise, losing yet another home, having my car sit in a non-street legal state, and playing perpetual waiting games with potential oaths of upward motion are all merely setbacks. I'll keep doing everything I'm able every day. I'll find a new rhythm. I'll move to a place of my own. I'll return to writing fiction, to vlogging, to streaming Hearthstone, to truly loving life. I'll learn to cope with my moods and th

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Blue Ink Alchemy

The New Diagnosis

The New Diagnosis — Blue Ink Alchemy

First things first: the vlog returns next week. Balthazar is back up and running, things are smooth there, and I have plenty of spoons to illustrate the Spoon Theory for folks who are unfamiliar. So, stay tuned for that. At the expense of being blunt: I trigger people. People's feelings are not invalid. Nor are their triggers. Bad experiences take all forms, be they an early childhood trauma or an extended period of abuse or neglect. And if a triggering incident happens, regardless of its intent or motivation, you have every right to speak up about it. No one can or should blame you for it. And if they do, they're an asshole. Period. Being told I triggered a friend is how I discovered my borderline personality disorder. The two biggest red flags are pretty severe abandonment issues and, tied to that, flashes of irrational rage. Now, thankfully, training and experience (especially over the last few months) have helped me see that rage as irrational, pull back from it to reclaim space for myself and my own health, and analyze its source from an objective standpoint. I have, for the most part, curbed my knee-jerk reactions of pushing people entirely out of my life when they trigger these things (because I have triggers too). I may back away, but cutting things off entirely has never been my style in the first place. The people I care about deserve to have their space, as well. And I hold some for them on my end. Because they deserve that, too. There are other lovely elements of garnish BPD has sprinkled on my bipolar that I'm now aware of: extreme emotional connections & reactions, self-torture (previously self-hatred), and periods of intense mood on either end of a cycle. I've also gotten geared for self-harm or become suicidal when bad news or a low point of a cycle hits, and in hypomanic states I am reckless and impulsive. You know how I'm doing better? My last hypomanic period was pretty fucking baller, and I made zero horrible decisions. Now, like bipolar, BPD has no cure. And it's also one of the most stigmatized disorders in the entire world. It leads directly to places of self-harm and suicide, and coupling it with bipolar aggravates both of those things. Left unaddressed and untreated, it is a death sentence. It's hard not to feel like a monster when you become aware of this aspect and realize people see you, perhaps solely, through that lens. That you cease to be a person worth caring about, and become simply a disease to be eradicated. I try to forestall those feelings. To imagine others complexly. To realize that their perspective is neither willful nor their fault; that this part of me, nor any other part of me, makes me a monster, or unworthy of affection, or bereft of recourse in terms of recovery or mitigation. Note the word "try" in that previous paragraph. I do not always succeed. In the past, when I've fucked up, I've asked for, and in some cases anticipated, forgiveness from friends and loved ones. I ask that the courtesy of understanding be extended to me. It's very helpful to me when it is, as I do my utmost to expound upon the motivations behind my behavior, the role played by my head weasels, and what my intentions might have been. Not having the courtesy extended to me has, in the past, hurt me deeply. And there are times when I have not extended that courtesy to others. Which is unfair and extremely selfish. I'm meandering away from my point. The point is that as much as I do my utmost to put myself in another person's shoes, there are times when others cannot or refuse to do that for me. And that is okay. That is what they need to do. I do not blame them, nor do I hold onto the anger that wells up from the irrational and instinctive portions of my Shadow. Those emotions are there to protect me from hurting. That is their root. Hot feelings of anger cauterize wounds, stop the bleeding, shove away sources of pain. Their result, however, is something that is neither constructive, nor helps me build or rebuild healthy relationships. I'd rather live with the hurt. This is something else I should file under "shit I should have known a year ago." But. Life goes on. The world won't stop turning. Nothing gold can stay. Best I can do is go on in attempting to do things with kindness, take care of myself, and internalize whatever it is I learn every day, by myself, for myself. That's how I keep from swimming in my own bullshit. From returning to the status of being a garbage human. From utterly failing those I love, even if they've had to let me go.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Agency and Redemption

Agency and Redemption — Blue Ink Alchemy

In case this week's vlog didn't tip you off, I am a huge fan of Mad Max: Fury Road. Long after having seen it several times in cinemas and at home, I still want to talk about its greater meanings, implied or intended, regarding personal autonomy and agency, the depth of truly human characters, and all of the great moments of storytelling in what is, on the surface, a bone-crunching action romp about weird cars and weirder wasteland denizens. I've already talked at length about the film's merits in both this review and this post about characters. But what about its influence upon folks like me when it comes to inspiration and motivation? There are messages woven throughout the film, but one of the most simultaneously potent and subtle one is that of personal agency. When the film opens, Max is seemingly a pawn of his own unbridled emotions - his anxiety, his rage, his fears, and the memories that haunt him. He gets muzzled, restrained, and used for his blood, completely at the mercy of the people around him. It takes external influences - Furiosa's escape in the War Rig, the subsequent pursuit, and the incredible windstorm - to give Max the opportunity to seize control of the situation as much as he can. Once Max is able to focus on reclaiming agency of his life, an interesting thing happens. He initially goes after selfish goals - hijacking the War Rig for his own escape, ignoring the plight of the women, and getting the damned muzzle off of his face - but the more time he spends in that Rig, the more he finds himself supporting those around him. He seems to realize how important it is for Furiosa and the wives to seize their agency, make their escape, and in Furiosa's case, seek redemption for everything she had to do in order to survive. Because the War Boys immediately reduced Max to a thing, and Immortan Joe has been using people as things for presumably a long time, their drives and motivations become aligned: I mentioned in the vlog that idealizing, romanticizing, or demonizing the people in our past is an awful thing to do. It robs them of their agency. It makes them things. See above. There are very few things in this world that can be more harmful to those we care about than to view them in such damaging, dehumanizing ways. To my great shame, I have found myself doing it, up until recently. (Like, a week ago or so...) Seeing the people we care about with clarity, without any shade of glasses (rose-colored, ash-colored, etc), is the best way to respect them. If they have passed, it honors their memory. If they yet live, it frees them to be who they are and, ideally, grow into better versions of themselves tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, as they push themselves down their hard road of self-realization and self-actualization. As I said, that's the ideal situation. Others may arise. But that is how others live. Your focus, my focus, must be on how we, as individuals, live. The roads ahead of us stretch out to the horizon, into the unknown quantities of our futures. One is the desolate, plain, unthreatening road of doing what we've always done, avoiding facing or challenging ourselves, and letting go of opportunities to grow and change as individuals. The other, harder road, fraught with the perils of facing truths about our words and deeds we do not wish to admit, can be intimidating and unnerving, leading as it does through the Shadow and the hard lessons of the past. But I maintain that it is the right road to take. It is the road to agency. To growth. And, ultimately, to redemption. Don't you owe it to yourself to be the best human you can be?

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Vlog #7: "The Road"

Vlog #7: "The Road" — Blue Ink Alchemy

Click the image! What a lovely day to talk about the future. There are two roads that lead in that direction, and this week I talk about those roads and which one to take - and, more importantly, the paths we should NOT take. If you like what I'm doing with these, please feel free to subscribe or support me on Patreon. Thanks in advance!

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Blue Ink Alchemy

I Am My Own Ex

I Am My Own Ex — Blue Ink Alchemy

"If you treated a partner the way you treat yourself, would you tolerate it?" Short answer: no. Long answer: I'd dump my ass the way I was dumped. Long nights of contemplation and bouts of fighting back tears have reinforced that I was not abandoned out of a lack of love. It was limits of tolerance being exceeded. We often see in one another potential, our ability for growth and change, the people those we love could be given the right environment. I created the wrong environment for Eurydice. In point of fact, I made it a toxic one. I would not be able to see this if I have just hopped into another relationship. I do not want to create another environment like that for someone, anyone, that I love. Which brings me to the point of this post. I no longer hate myself. I no longer want to kill myself. I love myself. I just don't like myself very much. And if I could, I'd dump myself. I am my own ex. And my harshness towards myself, the puritanical way in which I seek justice for the wrongs I've committed, creates a toxic environment for myself. This is why I need therapy. The medication merely helps me recognize and arrest the extremes of my shifts in mood and thought patterns. It doesn't happen immediately, but it does happen. I do have awareness. I can hold onto the mast when the storms come, rather than being swept into it. I can see the storm coming. I can't stop it, but I can weather it better than I ever could. A little voice - my contrite head weasel - tells me it doesn't matter. I lost the dearest part of my heart and I will never get it back. As I said in a rather maudlin bit of Tumblr art, I understand this. It was a gift. And Eurydice can keep it. Or throw it away the way she did me. I just have to learn to live without it. I love myself. I just don't like myself. I am my own ex. I want to like me. Even in the midst of my anger and sorrow towards this gap between who I am and who I'm trying to be (and, thankfully, the increasing distance between who I am and that thing I was), I want to make things right. I want to appreciate myself on a consistent basis. I want to treat myself the way I want to be treated, the way I want to treat those I love. I want to never lose sight of love, to base all of my interactions on love, and live in love every single day just as much as I am living my truth, naked and unashamed of it, consistently and transparently honest with myself and those around me. I want reconciliation. I want closure. I want reassurance that love still exists, that it's still possible, that it's going to be okay. I'm holding back tears as I type this because it all feels so impossible and far away. Okay. Deep breaths. Game face. I can get through this. I have had experiences where an ex and I have slowly, carefully, gotten back in touch with one another. Repaired some damage. Forgiven one another. Acknowledged that love does not fade, even as we as individuals grow and change. Reconciliation with myself has never been a goal before. Because I was never honest with myself to realize the environment I make for myself or the true nature of my relationship with myself. But I have to make it a goal. I have to be on better terms with myself. By myself. For myself. This has to be a goal in therapy. It won't stop me missing other people. Friendship. Intimacy. Partnership. True love. "Missing people is a constant state of being." Furiosa (the person I call Furiosa in my life) said that. Or something like that. She and I don't talk much anymore, either. I know the people who still do talk to me mean well. That they are trying to support me. I do appreciate the love, and the spirit in which such support is given. But for the people who have abandoned me, no. It is not "their loss." They are not villains or cruel people. They should not be demonized for taking back space for themselves. They should not be cast as evil beings out to hurt me. I refuse to subscribe to that narrative. Please do me the favor of not hating the people who've hurt me. They didn't do it out of spite. They did it to protect themselves. I am left with pain and loneliness. I tell myself, rationally, that is the extent of the punishment I deserve. There may be some hope at some point in the future of things getting better. Of divides being bridged. I can't let go of that hope. I fight to hold on to any scrap of hope I can, day and night, like I'm running out of time. Being stripped of everything else, of every comfort and every piece of Josh-that-was, this is who I am. I do not know how else to be. And someday, at some point, I'll learn to like myself again. Reconcile with myself. Forgive myself. Thank you for bearing with me until then. I wish everyone I still love could have done that. But I understand why they didn't. I wish they would understand me. But I understand why they won't. I wish for just one kind word. But, cancerous as it is, I understand the silence. I will learn to live with it. I have no other choice.

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Blue Ink Alchemy

Dealing With Frustration

Dealing With Frustration — Blue Ink Alchemy

This week has been incredibly frustrating for me. A number of deeply honest and emotional posts all over social media combined with all sorts of self-care oriented shenanigans and missteps that lead me into a downturn. I'm still navigating the dark and bullshit-smelling waters of bipolar depression, and as a result, I don't have a great deal to put here regarding the nature of frustration how it applies to my life. Short version? It sucks. So I don't have a great deal to put here, but hey! It's the first of the month! Click the image above to see me read a poem I wrote around Christmas of last year. It has nothing to do with Christmas. It has everything to do with something else associated with that date. And click here to watch this week's vlog. I've also got a playlist of every vlog! You can find it here. While you're there, subscribe to the channel! Support my Patreon! Send me presents, dammit! Anyway. Have a nice weekend.

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Blue Ink Alchemy