Friday, July 31, 2015

500 Words on Chaos

500 Words on Chaos — Blue Ink Alchemy

Chaos. I really can't think of another word that adequately describes my life of late. I'm still looking for a dayjob, something to pay the bills and give structure to my days. I am now looking for a new place to live. I'm counting out pennies to make sure I can eat, my partner can eat, my cats can eat, my car has gas, and my ORCA card is active so I can get downtown. And on top of all of that, I'm needing to stay on top of my writing, my gaming, and taking care of myself in such a way that I don't go completely off the rails. This is why I don't do well in start-ups. It's why I've never gotten a business of my own off of the ground. Chaos of this nature - persistent, pervasive, day-to-day uncertainty - doesn't jive well with me. Running a show or helping with an event is fine. Short bursts of chaos I can help manage is very much in my wheelhouse. But not knowing where my next client, article, or meal is coming from? It's hard for me not to panic in those circumstances. Other people thrive in those environments. I've seen it. I've sat with people who revel in the uncertainty. They've asked me hard questions about what I want, and blinked at me when I've struggled to keep up with them. I'm just not wired the same way they are, I guess. I've had difficulty imposing my own structure upon myself due to a lack of stability and income. It's hard for me to put mental cycles towards the creation of a schedule when I don't know where my next meal or fuel refill is coming from. It's probably a failing of my own brain, and it's something I really need to work on. I actually miss working in an office. I miss the structure, the community, the certainty. I was comfortable at my old job back east. Sure, I made some mistakes (don't we all?) but I worked hard to improve on my performance and contribute as much as I could to the workplace. As much as I needed to move away from software development, since my strengths lie elsewhere, I'd like to think I made a difference. It's a difference I'd like to make again, for a new firm, a new group of co-workers, a new office. I'm writing this from the home I'll be leaving in less than a month. Hopefully, I can keep going downtown to write at the Library, as I have no distractions there to keep me from making words happen. And I'll try to get back on a regular blogging schedule. Even if I have to put the post up from Starbucks. SPL's wireless can be spotty, and as much as I might get dirty looks from certain parties, Starbucks' signal hasn't let me down yet. And their tea lemonade mixes are astounding, as well as not terribly expensive. ... What? Hydration is important.

Blue Ink Alchemy

Friday, July 17, 2015

500 Words on Suicide

500 Words on Suicide — Blue Ink Alchemy

I've long had a great deal of respect for Sir Terry Pratchett. His novels set on the unique and impossible geography of Discworld have spoken to me for more than a decade. Good Omens is one of the best novels I've ever read. His prolific and unrelenting schedule of writing and releasing his works simultaneously inspired me and made me feel woefully inadequate to the challenge of being a published author. And then, later in life, my respect for him only grew due to the following statement, made in 2009:

"It should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer."

For the most part, suicide has little to do with making a statement or getting attention. It's about pain. People want to make the conscious choice to stop their pain, or to remove a perceived pain being inflicted upon others. Those afflicted with a terminal illness do not wish to become a burden to their loved ones, nor do they feel strong enough to go through a protracted, withering, slow death, especially if they suffer from a condition for which there is no known cure. Those of a similar mindset to the one Sir Terry entertained have a desire to have a peaceful, quiet, dignified death, an opportunity to clearly and completely bid farewell to their loved ones. I can't see anything wrong with that. Especially if someone has lived a full and productive life, and brought joy and enlightenment to others, perhaps even the world, I think they deserve to be empowered to make that choice. Our brains are how we process the experience of our lives, and in most cases, the engine that drives our dreams and our ambitions. If that is going to fail you, and you know that you must face months or years of slow deterioration of everything you and your loved ones once held dear, can you honestly say that choice should be denied to you? Thoughts of suicide often accompany mental illnesses as well as terminal ones. There is often a perception that things are worse than they are. The result of ill-advised actions or incomplete communication result in distrust, damaged relationships, even the devastation of rejection, loss, and abandonment. Be they the victim or the cause of it, the individual feels their pain keenly and perceives the pain in others. They want it to stop. Especially in the cases of those who have been through one similar experience too many, ending their pain once and for all presents itself as a viable option. This is not something I can objectively comment upon, save to say that help is available, and things are rarely as bad as they seem. If you or a loved one suffers from a mental disorder, and self-harm is imminent or feared, the index of suicide hotlines in the United States can be reached at (800) 273-8255. The counselors can help you. Trust me - there is hope.

Blue Ink Alchemy

500 Words on Suicide

500 Words on Suicide — Blue Ink Alchemy

"It should be possible for someone stricken with a serious and ultimately fatal illness to choose to die peacefully with medical help, rather than suffer."

For the most part, suicide has little to do with making a statement or getting attention. It's about pain. People want to make the conscious choice to stop their pain, or to remove a perceived pain being inflicted upon others. Those afflicted with a terminal illness do not wish to become a burden to their loved ones, nor do they feel strong enough to go through a protracted, withering, slow death, especially if they suffer from a condition for which there is no known cure. Those of a similar mindset to the one Sir Terry entertained have a desire to have a peaceful, quiet, dignified death, an opportunity to clearly and completely bid farewell to their loved ones. I can't see anything wrong with that. Especially if someone has lived a full and productive life, and brought joy and enlightenment to others, perhaps even the world, I think they deserve to be empowered to make that choice. Our brains are how we process the experience of our lives, and in most cases, the engine that drives our dreams and our ambitions. If that is going to fail you, and you know that you must face months or years of slow deterioration of everything you and your loved ones once held dear, can you honestly say that choice should be denied to you? Thoughts of suicide often accompany mental illness as well as terminal ones. There is often a perception that things are worse than they are. The result of ill-advised actions or incomplete communication result in distrust, damaged relationships, even the devastation of rejection, loss, and abandonment. Be they the victim or the cause of it, the individual feels their pain keenly and perceives the pain in others. They want it to stop. Especially in the cases of those who have been through one similar experience too many, ending their pain once and for all presents itself as a viable option. This is not something I can objectively comment upon, save to say that help is available, and things are rarely as bad as they seem. If you or a loved one suffers from a mental disorder, and self-harm is imminent or feared, the index of suicide hotlines in the United States can be reached at (800) 273-8255. The counselors can help you. Trust me - there is hope.

Blue Ink Alchemy

Thursday, July 16, 2015

From the Vault: Stubborn Stinkbrain

From the Vault: Stubborn Stinkbrain — Blue Ink Alchemy

I'm working on overcoming a severe bout of depression. Thank you for being patient. While I keep making steps forward, I continue putting effort into being less of a "selfish diaper-baby" as Ralph would put it. And with a bunch of new Enforcers joining the fold, I have to remind myself that quitting what I love is not the answer to anything. So it's time this post came back.

I used to be really, really good at quitting. I can think of several instances in my past where I would be attempting something, run into the first real obstacle, and just give up. I would avoid putting myself in positions where I would have to deal with any major difficulties or consequences. I hate to admit it, but I was something of a coward. While I still remain afraid of screwing up, letting people down, or hurting the feelings of those I care about, I've learned that giving up before all alternatives are exhausted yields only more doubt, disappointment, and is generally less favorable than making legitimate efforts. It feels a bit odd for me to talk about hardships and difficulties when I'm a white cis male in the first world, which is about as privileged as you can get. I'm not really wanting for food, shelter, clothing, or any of the essentials a human being needs. It should be an easy life for me. I'm choosing to make it more difficult by involving myself in the things I choose to be involved in, and in that I am engineering my own defeats. And yet, I know if I simply enjoy my privileges and do not take steps to share what I can with the world around me, I am no better than a day-trader on Wall Street or a corrupt corporate executive. So I try to make the world a better place, and sometimes, the world seems determined to remain terrible. Case in point: I've made the choice to be an Enforcer, part of the PAX volunteer staff, and by extension, I am tangentially connected to Penny Arcade and its creators. Mike ("Gabe") has a habit of putting his foot in his mouth when it comes to sensitive issues, and this was the case yesterday. He made a comment that was offensive to the transgender community, and the resulting exchange has caused people to call for PAX boycotts and, if I understand the situation correctly, several of my fellow Enforcers have quit in a show of solidarity with those offended by Mike's comment. They more than likely see Mike's apology and exchange with Sophie Prell as half-hearted or perfunctory or some other word for insincere. I for one am willing to give Mike the benefit of the doubt. As I see it, the possibilities are that he makes comments that he thinks are funny and only occasionally gets it right; he puts his foot in his mouth more often than not by tweeting before he thinks; or he's a deplorable human being through and through. What I have seen and heard of the man leads me to believe that the first two cases are the most likely. Considering his brand is one that is mostly comedic, the first is the logical conclusion for me to draw. Penny Arcade has done a lot for the gaming community, children's charities, and a more inclusive Internet in general; why would I want to disassociate from that? Don't get me wrong. Anybody who feels strongly enough to quit or boycott has my understanding. Not everybody is wired the way I am. And, to be frank, I could be wired completely wrong. I'm willing to consider and even accept that, if presented with sufficient evidence. But I refuse, to the core of my being, to quit now. Not when I can try to change things for the better. I know that I can't change people who don't want to change. And I know that my words and actions may have zero effect on the people or world around me in general. I accept that. What I will not accept is the idea that I cannot change anything at all on an individual level. I don't want to muck around with people's brains to make them what I would consider "better" - each individual is entitled to be and think and feel however they want to be and think and feel. I have no claim to change things within another person's being by force. That isn't right. All I can do, all I want to do, is be the best human individual I can be, engage as often as possible in what I consider to be better behavior, exemplify compassion and understanding for my fellow human beings, and do what I can, small as it may be, to make the world around me a better place. Every person deserves to be treated with respect, and the best way for me to get that idea into the heads of others is to be as respectful as I can with everyone around me, especially strangers. As an Enforcer, I meet thousands of strangers. This, to me, is an excellent way to ensure that I am doing as much as possible to be the change I want to see in the world. I may affect even more if I can get more writing off the ground; time will tell on that score. But I'm not going to quit either, I'm not going to quit giving people the benefit of the doubt, I'm not going to quit being me, even if I can be overly optimistic and occasionally gullible and something of a stubborn, tactless, somewhat arrogant stinkbrain from time to time. This is who I am. This is who I choose to be. Take it or leave it.

Blue Ink Alchemy

Blue Ink Alchemy

Friday, July 31, 2015